Jan. 15th, 2012

fayanora: Memetically (Memetically)
I have a hard time sleeping most Saturday nights anyway, because of going to bed early in order to get up early enough to go to the Unitarian church Sunday morning, but last night was more vexing than usual. Oh, it started out okay, getting to bed basically on time and getting to sleep fairly okay the first time around. And then halfway through the night I woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn't get back to sleep. Must have taken me an hour or two to finally start nodding off again, because I couldn't get my mind to stop going, and every tiny noise in this apartment (with walls and ceilings like tissue paper, sound-wise) would jolt me out of whatever progress I'd made toward sleep. At least part of this was probably due to my late rising at 4 PM the day before.

Anyway, just as I'm nodding off again, I start dreaming that I'm doing something with a boom box (I forget what) and then when I finished whatever that was, my dream self went to her room and I laid myself down on a waterbed and was beginning to drift to sleep in the dream world when my mom shouted my name in a "come here, I'm angry at you" way that woke me up for real. It was only when I was awake again that I was able to realize that the shout had been in my dream, not in real life (unless Mom has somehow mastered the ability to scream loud enough for me to hear her all the way from Iowa) and I was like "God dammit!" Continued having problems getting to sleep and staying asleep, for one reason or another, the rest of the night. But I was getting more sleep than not, for a few hours.

Then I got up to use the bathroom again, and had diarrhea. Took some pills for it and tried going back to bed. But it was no use. I lay there for about half an hour before I said "Fuck it" and got up because I just wasn't tired enough to sleep anymore. It was 8 AM.

Sheesh... this night of crappy sleep after the night before which was full of weirdness and half-nightmares and hallucinated sounds. I think I'm gonna have to start praying to Morshiinin, Goddess of Dreams, for good dreams. Might see about getting or making a dream catcher, too. My sleep this whole winter long has been mostly crazy-making. I know I don't like going outside much, but I miss the sunlight struggling to get through my curtains. And I do go outside more often when it's warm than when it's cold.

Well, now I have to get ready to go.
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
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Hello! This is where you can donate to my cyberfunded/crowdfunded creativity project, Ye Olde Goldyn Appyl Presse. Just specify which particular sub-project of the YOGAP project you wish to fund. Anything not specified will go to the general fund, to be used for any one of the sub-projects.

If I am pimping a project that is already done, I will tell you in the pimping post what project it is. :-)

Nota bene: This button doubles as my "emergency donate" button because I'm too lazy to go back and change it. Any donations not specified as going to a particular project will go to the YOGAP general fund.

fayanora: Elle Fanning by LJ user bitemeee (Elle Fanning)
Freezing cold and freezing rain outside, and there are people in shorts and sandals, or short skirts, out half naked in the cold.

Also, this text entry was sent before 2 PM. How the HELL did it get marked as coming in at 3 PM? Did it detour into the future first? Or was I in a temporal soft spot, or what?
fayanora: Steph Pensive (Steph Pensive)
I usually post brain droppings to Twitter, but I don't think this would fit:

"He was having a conversation with a lamp post. Not because he was crazy - he was quite sane - but because it was so refreshing to have an intelligent conversation for once."
fayanora: pensive (pensive)
Watch this video. No seriously, watch it all:

The stuff about the brain being overwhelmed with input tracks with my experience. I have a very hard time ignoring the overwhelming input, especially visual input. I have to actively ignore a lot of it, especially during the daytime, because when I do let it all come in, it gets overwhelming very quickly. And being uncomfortable in your own skin fits me, too. I need to wear low-cut shirts, because high cut shirts drive me absolutely bonkers. Rings drive me crazy, and necklaces I can only wear for a few hours at a time before they start driving me nuts. Even clothing in general annoys me. Then I get itchy, and that drives me crazy. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night because the hair on my legs (I haven't shaved in a while) was driving me crazy.

My symptoms get more acute with high levels of stress, and deep pits of depression. In the year or two I was unemployed before getting on disability, I could barely spend any energy on important tasks because it was taking all my energy just to cope with the stress and the input overwhelmingness. And the day I filled out the form to get on disability, the damn form overwhelmed me so much that on the way home I was darkening out almost all my sight, forcing my gaze down at the ground, and mechanically walking home but still was having such a hard time coping even with that, that I put my ear buds in and listened to music as loud as I could without it being painful.

Come to think of it, my Asperger's symptoms explain my self-imposed exile to my fantasy world when I was a child. I couldn't cope with the overwhelming input of the outside world, so I filled my head with noise and even made "mouth noises" (like airplane sounds, dinosaur yells, and so on) to drown it out. Said input waned at home, so I was able to come out of myself somewhat at home. I don't do this quite to the extent I used to, but I still fill my head with self-generated noise when I feel overwhelmed. Unless it gets *really* bad, like mentioned above.

Hell, the Asperger's symptoms plus the slow failure of my childhood coping mechanism triggered in me some of the tantrums of screaming, throwing stuff around, and breaking things that happen with a lot of people on the autism spectrum.

Most people's brains ignore a LOT of the input around them, and looks instead for changes. I suppose Aspie/Autie brains do that to a point, too. But it's clear our brains aren't capable of ignoring as much as the brains of NTs are. Or in some cases, can't filter things properly. One of the major problems I have in regards to hearing/listening (aside from being hard of hearing) is that to my brain, every sound sounds equally important. I have to struggle to filter out noises, because everything sounds like "signal" to my brain.

Still, it's my vision that's my main source of excess input. My vision is *better* than 20/20, and my brain sees every fucking detail. And when every fucking detail is given equal importance by one's brain, it is easy to miss the obvious: the obvious gets lost in a sea of input. The signal gets lost in a sea of noise. Sure, when I'm bored, my gaze will move around a lot, seeking input. But when I'm already feeling overwhelmed, or skirting the edge of it, I'll restrict my gaze to staring blankly at a chair or out the window, or set it to focus on one task.

Which reminds me. One of these days I'm going to break out in a rant at Brooke. I love her dearly, but how many hundreds of times have I posted about the way my brain works, and she never seems to remember any of it, talking at me without waiting for an indication my brain is engaging her voice and then getting annoyed or even upset at me when I miss half of what she says. How many times have I told her that with the TV going and the computer going that when she starts talking at me without waiting for a sign I'm even aware she's talking, her voice sounds no different to my brain than the TV. By the time my brain has figured out that her voice is not, in fact, noise, I've missed half or more of what she's said. True, I don't have to look at her to listen to her, but I do so much crap on the computer that adding the TV to it maxes out my brain's processors. Anything else added to it is processed relatively slowly, if at all. I was only able to listen to Lilla and do computer stuff at the same time because there wasn't a TV in my room when she and I lived together. Add the TV, and what Brooke needs to get into the habit of doing is something like saying "Fay, I'm about to talk to you" and waiting for me to turn my head toward her. Because even after my brain realizes something is signal and not noise, it still has to struggle to filter out the noises. Which is made even harder by the fact that, if the show on the TV is interesting, my brain will attempt to listen to both Brooke AND the TV, without first freeing up other circuits.

I'd have no problem listening to both Brooke and the TV if I didn't have my laptop there, but then I'd be extremely bored without it, since watching TV with Brooke and watching TV at home are two entirely different kinds of activities. Watching "TV" at home involves a lot of pausing and either doing stuff on the computer during the pauses, or getting up and walking around the room while I think aloud about what I've seen on the TV. Which can drag an hour of TV into two or three hours. Whereas TV watching at Brooke's makes the shows fly by so fast I miss a lot of them. I don't get as much out of shows at Brooke's as I do at home. So if it's a show I really care enough about to get more out of, I either disengage from the computer somewhat (easier to do during the slow, boring bits after I've exhausted LJ and Twitter) or I watch it at home later.

Anyway, I've rambled on enough about this subject. And, though I've already posted a lot today, I do have one more thing planned to post about.
fayanora: Phoebe in Wonderland by LJ user bitemeee (Phoebe in Wonderland)
Today's sermon at the Unitarian Universalist church was given by a guest speaker, a man who works as part of the UU UNO, a non-government organization (NGO) that works with the United Nations. Their vision: "A peaceful, just and sustainable world community as called for in the UN Charter." The UU UNO does this because UU's believe in the inherent worth and dignity of all human beings, a set of values the United Nations shares, so Unitarian Universalism is a religion uniquely qualified to be a leader in the United Nations, where other religions just follow.

The man who spoke was personally involved in bringing LGBT human rights and civil rights into the spotlight at the UN. He talked a lot about that. He also talked about how the United States had failed the UN and broke the UN charter on numerous occasions, which is especially odd when you consider that the US was fundamental in founding the UN, and not only signed the UN charter but also drafted it to begin with. He went on to talk about how there were a number of UN resolutions like the one fighting against child labor and in favor of a number of child-related rights, and a resolution opposed to violence against women. I don't remember which one, exactly, but one of those two resolutions had been signed by every country in the world except for the Congo and the United States. And I don't think the US signed either of those resolutions.

I wish I had a transcript of the sermon, because I know I'm doing a crappy job of relaying this information. The man's sermon was so good, it got a standing ovation. I don't think most sermons there even get much of a *sitting* ovation, so that says a lot about the quality of his speaking.

It was a long sermon, so long that despite the fact he talked very fast, it was well after noon before we got out of there. But like I said, an excellent sermon. This week's collection was being shared with the UU UNO, too.

Oh, also, he seemed to have his notes on an iPad or something similar, since he kept looking down at something that was shining light back at him, and touching it in a manner suggestive of touching a touch-screen to scroll down.

There were also several songs on the organ. I love the organ music. :-)

The reading before the sermon also was good; it was a speech by Martin Luther King Junior given to the UN, which condemned the US's violation of the UN charter when they attacked Vietnam. So much of it was cogent to today, that like the sermon guy mentioned, all you had to do was change some names and figures and it could be delivered today. For instance, the speech said something like $315 dollars was spent for every Viet Cong soldier killed, while only $50 was spent on every American who was poor, and most of that $50 was salary for people who weren't themselves poor. The sermon guy said that all you'd have to do was increase the number for Iraqis or Afghanis killed, and decrease the number spent on the poor in the US. HOLY FUCKING FUCK WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY???


fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
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