fayanora: Steph Chloe Dartagnan (Steph Chloe Dartagnan)
OMG everyone, check out this site! Put in some text you've typed, and it analyzes your writing and tells you stuff about your personality! It was pretty accurate, the parts I could understand. It thinks I'm more open than I am, probably because I am more open on the Internet than in person. And I do volunteer, even though it thinks that unlikely for me.

My results, with commentary (in parentheses):

You are unconventional, (yeah, totally) somewhat inconsiderate and skeptical. (That bit must be Alex.)
You are independent: you have a strong desire to have time to yourself. (Amen!) You are reserved: you are a private person and don't let many people in. (Aye) And you are authority-challenging: you prefer to challenge authority and traditional values to help bring about positive changes. (So true!)
Your choices are driven by a desire for discovery. (Yeah, sounds right.)
You are relatively unconcerned with both tradition and achieving success. (Yeah.) You care more about making your own path than following what others have done. (Amen to that!) And you make decisions with little regard for how they show off your talents. (I guess so.)

You are likely to______
prefer resale value when buying automobiles (LOL! When I had cars I drove them til they wore all the way out, resale value is the last thing on my mind.)
volunteer to learn about social causes (Got me there.)
prefer style when buying clothes (My own, but yeah.)

You are unlikely to______
prefer safety when buying automobiles (WTF? No, that's wrong.)
have spent time volunteering (I totally do.)
be influenced by social media during product purchases (Depends on the social media, the people, and the product. But essentially right.)

More under the cut )

Some highlights from Alex's, that we did for comparison: "You are a bit indirect, somewhat inconsiderate and can be perceived as insensitive." LOL yeah. "You are solemn: you are generally serious and do not joke much." Mostly accurate. His humor tends to be insults, sarcasm, or puns. Sometimes all three at once.

Let's see... Alex is apparently less susceptible to stress, at 81%. (???) Also less self conscious (87%) and less prone to worry. (81%) Also, he got a higher percentage for "taking pleasure in life," at 29%.

I don't really trust the results for "Fiery," because it gave a calm, thoughtful entry by Fay a 76%, gave one of Alex's rants a 64%, and another, angrier Alex rant a 43%.

I want to finish by reminding everyone that with our form of multiplicity, these kinds of tests are bound to mess up. Internal stuff fluctuates so often and so randomly that there's no telling for sure who's thinking what when, and how those thoughts will influence behavior. So that the fact this test is even this accurate with us is a minor miracle.
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
So another problem with my brain that's possibly related to my partial face blindness is... well... if I binge-watch an anime series or other cartoon, and then try to imagine someone's face, all I can see is a cartoon. It takes up to several hours to fade, though I can make it fade faster by watching regular faces for a while.
fayanora: DMT Collective Icon (DMTC)
Sometimes I think about things that happened days or even weeks ago. Last night I was thinking about something [personal profile] kengr asked once, maybe a week or two back. I don't remember the exact wording, but she basically asked how I manage to function with queunliskanphobia, IE fear (or rather extreme disgust/revulsion, in our case) of saliva. My answer at the time was something that amounted to "compartmentalization." I think specifically it was "I try to imagine it just doesn't exist," or near enough. But I was thinking again about this last night because I'd had my finger in my mouth and looked at the spit on my finger and didn't have a problem with it before wiping it off.

This isn't the only time something that usually bothers us hasn't bothered us. Like, the thought of blood can quickly make me feel weak and shaky and have to lie down for a while. But when I get a cut, the blood doesn't usually bother me. It's like, a cut happens and the practical part of our brain is like "Well this has to be dealt with." But there's more to it than that, even, because Pi ([personal profile] svaenohr) is aroused by blood, thinks about consuming it sometimes when zee1, er... you know... *waves hand dismissively.* (Zee was going to call it by the phillia name for it, but then we realized the word hemophilia is used for a disease, a somewhat misnamed disease at that. Pretty sure hemophiliacs don't like blood, unless it's staying put in their body. I would think hemophobia would be a better word for it. But that's a different disease.) When zee does this, the rest of us have to shut down and wait for zeer signal to return. We have to do this with quite a number of Pi's fetishes, to be honest.

Anyway, so several things came together in my mind last night, including what I'd mentioned above, and basically... the different people in our collective have different likes, dislikes, phobias, philias, etc. Which is something we never really realized the full implications of. But yeah, this means queunliskanphobia is Alex's problem; dunno who else in here has it, but at least one of us does not have that problem. Or, at least, not to the same degree. Just thinking about... the thing... can set off Alex's phobia. And it's impossible to predict when his influence is going to wane enough from the system to make it alright. So yeah, we try not to think about it.

So pretty much all of us have a revulsion response to blood, not sure what to call it now that they've stolen the only term I could think of for another disease (and I was astonished at all the various blood diseases that put philia on the end of the word, in the short time I dared try to find a word to replace hemophobia. Did the people naming those not know what the word "philia" means? And honestly, I wouldn't call what Pi has hemomania, either. It's not a mania, it's just a kink of zeers, one of many. A kink that the rest of us would rather forget about... along with most of zeer other kinks. If you're curious, you can pop over to zeer LJ/DW and look it up. Thankfully it is all in zeer mind only. Most of zeer kinks are pretty much impossible anyway, and zee knows better than to try the others. Pretty sure if zee tried the blood thing, even with someone known to be disease free, the rest of us would freak out and vomit and probably curl into a ball in the corner and cry.

But yeah, there's others. Alex and some of the others have cynophobia as well, a distrust of and fear of dogs. (Not sure who else, aside from Alex and Pi.) But Molly's reaction to dogs is "Puppy!"

That's all we can think of for now. But there may be others. It's hot right now, and we were tired anyway, so thinking is not a strong suit at the moment.

1 = "Zee" is our spelling of the genderless "ze" or "xe," to make the pronunciation more obvious. We also change "zer" and "xer" to "zeer." These are Pi's preferred pronouns, as zee identifies as agender (without gender).


Jul. 31st, 2016 02:18 am
fayanora: Djao'Kain (Djao'Kain)
I've never really understood this whole "masculinity = fierce" thing. You know, the strong, fierce, scary warrior type? Because:

A. My masculine side, growing up and now, was always the meek and gentle side. (Even Alex, who has a strong masculine aura about him and a lot of anger and aggressiveness, is the way he is because he's gentle and sensitive at heart and everything wounds him, and he can only deal with it by vacillating between anger and apathy. Though he's improving. And Ian, the only other boy in the collective, is so shy and sensitive and fragile that he never comes out of hiding anymore.) It's my feminine side that's fierce, strong, and occasionally terrifying.

B. My main deity is a Goddess of Chaos, and at least two others in the system identify as avatars of Her. While She does have Her softer side, I am empowered by Her fierce, terrifying side. Djao'Kain, in Her fierce and terrifying side, could face any masculine warrior type and make him shit himself in terror, even before She started turning him inside out and showing him his own beating heart, with Her eyes like amber lanterns, Her many arms (with clawed fingers) wielding many weapons, the look in Her eye challenging people to try to hurt Her or the ones She loves, and Her Chaos Fire.

I get a thrill of power when I access one of Her even fiercer Aspects, like Shao'MaHK, covered in blood and grinning like a madwoman, fire roaring out of control behind Her.

Yeah, you can keep your masculinity, thanks.
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
It happened again today. It doesn't happen often, but it happened again today. What happened? Well, that takes some explaining. See, I'm partially face blind. Only partially. Also I have a shitty memory. What this means, for me, is that I have trouble recognizing people unless I know them well enough, and it takes me varying amounts of time to memorize faces, anywhere from a few hours (or a few instances of seeing the person, with some reason to memorize their face), to weeks or months. Once I have a face memorized, I can usually recognize them later. Not always; context plays a big role, and someone being out of their usual context can make me a lot less likely to recognize them.

Also, if I don't have any reason to memorize a face, it's not likely to happen. Since I don't really care one way or another about most of my neighbors, and never have, there's still a number of neighbors at my apartment complex who know me by name, and I have no damned clue who they are still, even after living here for a couple years, and then once before for another year. I live in concern that one of these days, someone who lives here, someone I should be able to recognize, will need let into the building because their hands are full or something, and I'll accidentally piss them off by not letting them in because I have no clue who they are. But in this neighborhood, it's not a smart idea to let in people you don't know.

Anyway, what happened today was the occasional thing of being out and about (specifically I was walking from one place to another), and someone starts talking to me like they know me, saying my name and stuff, talking about how long it's been since they've seen me, and I'm just standing there nodding and making noncommittal sounds and words, because as far as my memory was concerned, I've never seen this person before in my life. And worse, I know I was letting that confusion into my face; I didn't intend to, but that's what happened. If she noticed, she didn't give any sign of having noticed. Of course, thinking back on it, the two most likely possibilities are either that she's a member of the pagan meetup who doesn't go very often, or she recognized me from when I used to go to the Unitarian Universalist church. Although, we were on Hawthorne, so it's also highly likely she knows me via Lily, and I just forgot, because to be honest Lily knows a lot of people, introduces me to a lot of people, and I doubt I could recognize more than a handful of them.

Until that happened, my big post for the day was going to be how I thought I recognized one of my pharmacists while waiting for the bus. It was probably him; same height and build, same bald spot, same race probably, and I think it was the same face, but he was out of his usual context; if it was him, he wasn't in his uniform, and thus was out of context.

At least, I think he's Asian or part Asian, but I'm not sure. My ability to discern race is one of those things my partial face blindness messes with. About the only way I have to be sure someone is Asian, due to the similarity in skin color of many of them, is the eyes. And his eyes don't match what I know of Asian eyes, but they look different from "Caucasian" eyes, too, so I don't know.

But yeah, race is a weird thing for me. I mean, black people are kind of obvious, usually. But there's enough overlap among whites, Latinx people, and Asian people that I sometimes get those three confused; there are whites I mistake for Latinx, vice versa, and so on. And trying to determine the subcategories of races is pretty much impossible for me. Unless someone is one of those Hassidic rabbis, I pretty much have to take people's word on whether or not someone is a Jew, for instance, because most of them look either white or middle eastern to me. And I might be able to tell the difference between a Greek and other middle eastern people if I viewed some side by side, but otherwise, I can't tell. Again, if it weren't for the eyes, there's a lot of Asian people I would classify as white because their skin tone looks identical to the average "white" skin tone, to me.

Though to be perfectly honest, given my feelings toward humans in general, and the way I was lost in my own world growing up, it's pretty impressive I can discern that much. If things had gone just a little different for me, my partial face blindness might have made it so the only thing I could tell about race was three categories: Black, white, and in-between. And given that I already make a fair number of mistakes vis-a-vis race, I would be making far more in that case.

And since I don't pay a lot of attention to strangers, I'd be kind of useless if I needed to describe some stranger for the cops, if I witnessed a crime (or was the victim of one, possibly). About all I'd be able to tell them, I think, would be whether or not they were black, and their presumed gender. Like, for instance, "Well he was probably white, and probably male, but I don't know for sure on either count." "What about his height?" "Um... average, I think?" "Weight?" "Average?" "Hair color?" "No idea." "Eye color?" "To be honest, officer, I wasn't really paying attention. He just looked like a possibly-white male. But he could have been Asian or Latin for all I know." (Secretly thinking: 'Partially just playing the odds here.')

Bleh. Make this one more in a long list of things that make me feel like an alien from another planet stranded on this backwater rock with a whole species of crazy people.

Name stuff

Dec. 5th, 2015 04:56 pm
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
Months back, I got irritated with Dad for deadnaming me, so I explained it to him. He wrote back saying he couldn’t think of me by another name, and I got more irritated, so I went off on him a little, as politely as I could manage, but still firm. He finally wrote back, not acknowledging our previous disagreement. However, he didn’t deadname me. Though his solution towards this was to not call me by *any* name at all. (Sigh) Oh well, progress is progress. :-)

By the way, though I’ve had the papers for changing my name legally for some time, I’ve been dragging my feet on that. But I recently had a thought that might make me stop that and go through with that. I am known by everyone these days as Fay, short for Fayanora (my Traipahni name), but the name I’d been wanting to change to was Tempest Alexandria Arts, so I’d have the same initials as my deadname. But that didn’t feel right. So now I’m thinking I want to change it to Tempest Alexandria Fayanora Arts.
fayanora: moonphase anger (moonphase anger)
I don't know why, but the last few weeks I've been noticing myself do a strange sort of typo where I type words or - more often - parts of words backwards. Like instead of "instead," I type "nistead" or something similar. It's weird. I'm sure I could come up with a better example if I could remember any offhand, I know some of them have really made me stare at the screen going "huh?"

Then, too, I find myself also missing certain letters, but it's not the fault of the keyboard, at least not usually. Because paying attention, I've noticed sometimes I just don't hit the letter very hard or, other times, I don't hit it at all. Also weird.

Oh yeah, and I just got reminded that sometimes I get ahead of myself and type whole words before they're supposed to be there, or part of the words. Like above, I was trying to type "I'm sure I could come up with," and typed "I'm sure I come could up with" instead. Makes me wonder if more than one of us is typing, and one of us is ahead of the other and types a word before we switch back to whoever was slower.

ID says F

Jul. 3rd, 2015 02:22 am
fayanora: Steph Chloe Awesome (Steph Chloe Awesome)
Yesterday (Thursday) at 8 AM I went to the DMV with everything I needed and got my new ID card. Included my gender marker change form, and now I have an F for my gender marker! YAY!

Now to look into changing my name to Tempest Alexandria Arts.

"I dunno"

Jun. 9th, 2015 04:26 am
fayanora: Processing (Processing)
You know that feeling where someone asks you a question, and you can't think of anything to say in response? I just now realized why I get that feeling all the damn time: my sluggish cognitive tempo, possibly comorbid with something else, makes it so I get stuck in a loop of "a question has been asked, I should answer it. But what's the answer?" and can't seem to get around to actually thinking about an answer until the pressure to answer eases up.

So friends and acquaintances: if you ever ask me a question, and I say something like "I dunno," that's code for "I can't answer right now; I need time to process this, even if only for a few seconds/minutes while you look away and do something else to get the pressure off me."
fayanora: Processing (Processing)
When I'm in "the zone," where the words flow so fast my hands can barely keep up with my mind, I can type so fast that my computer sometimes has trouble keeping up. But I have some issues that prevent me from getting an accurate typing speed:

1. It only works when I'm "in the zone," which I cannot call up at random, and does not apply to anything pre-written.

2. Tests that test how fast you can type pre-written text is worse than useless to test me because by default I actually read what's on the screen, and my reading speed is ridiculously slow, because my sluggish cognition slows down the process of translating written words into spoken in my head, and then those words into images. Add to this the fact that I have issues translating words into images, and it's very frustrating. And no, I do not know how to just type the letters I see on the screen; my mind cannot contort itself that way.

TLDR = I'm great at translating my thoughts into words, but words into thoughts is fucking HARD.

3. One typing test I took a bit ago showed me that if the test is just a bunch of random words in a line, that's even worse, because my brain still tries to read it and keeps tripping up with the constant "WTF???" moments.

4. I make corrections as I type. I misspell about every third or fourth word when I'm going fast, but my corrections only take a second or less. Even with that in mind, I can get unbelievably fast, but most typing tests count not only my mistakes as mistakes, but also my corrections as mistakes.

5. Every now and then, I have random stalls. I don't mean moments where I pause to think about something (though that happens a lot too), I mean moments where my brain just... stops, goes on pause for anywhere from several seconds to several minutes, thinking of nothing at all. This can happen at any time, for any task. It's been known to cause me to have people repeat things, because my brain was just active enough in those stall moments to realize I was being spoken to, but it didn't process what was being said. These stall moments happen very rarely when I'm in "the zone," but with other forms of writing they are common.

6. I can't even use typing tests I made myself, because my brain still treats it like regular text and defaults to actually reading it, slowing down my potential typing speed.

7. Not sure, but my brain does not seem to be able to process text as anything but words, without sitting there a couple seconds or so to switch gears. Which makes math a right pain, let me tell you, but also probably explains why I can't just type the letters I see on the screen, since my brain doesn't see them as letters, but as words.

8. Needing to switch gears increases the odds of a stall, and lengthens the stall time when they do occur.

9. Sometimes my brain does this thing where it's reading the words but forgetting to process them. For however long these moments last, my brain is essentially looking at the words like they're pretty drawings, and not treating them like words, meaning I have to go back and try again.

So yeah, I have no fucking idea how I'm ever going to get an accurate top typing speed for myself.
fayanora: DMT Collective Icon (DMTC)
I'm glad I wrote "Chaos To Chaos." (LJ DW) In the week since I wrote it, I've had several instances of that worried part of me starting to fill with terror at the thought of death, and I stopped it every time just by reciting to myself the final line of the poem: "From Peace I came and to Peace I will return." I am pleased.
fayanora: DMT Collective Icon (DMTC)
Last night, something happened in one of our dreams. It was a school dream, I was skipping in the halls, and one of the staff told me not to. I indicated I understood with an appropriate response, then a couple seconds later I went, "Wait, what did you say?" And the staff member (janitor, maybe?) was exasperated, asked me why I responded if I hadn't been listening. I immediately responded with something I knew on waking was honest and true: "Sometimes parts of my brain will get ahead of me, hearing, understanding, and responding to something without informing the rest of me." I didn't explain it in depth in the dream, but when I woke up, I knew it to be a Multiplicity issue. That in that particular part of the dream, Molly had processed what was said and responded, then forgot to tell the rest of us, so we were like "What's this now?" Now I'm awake, I realize this is something that happens sometimes in real life, and I think it came up in the dream because it happened several times the night before (along with several other, previously known brain glitches). Not with Molly per se, but it happened.

So yeah, if you know me in person and I ever respond to something you say and then say "Wait, what did you say?" (or something to that effect), sometimes it's because of an internal communication problem. (And other times, if the response was something as simple as "Uh huh," it's just the Autopilot responding, and we were too focused on something else to be listening.)
fayanora: Phoebe in Wonderland by LJ user bitemeee (Phoebe in Wonderland)
I have this ability I call my Mutant Power, the ability to look someone in the eye and tell if they are trustworthy or not in just seconds. As long as I've paid attention to it, it has never been wrong.

Well, I was thinking just now about how I never felt comfortable around cops when I was a kid, and never knew why. I've long thought it was a phobia, but it just occurred to me to wonder if it was my Mutant Power telling me these men with guns were not to be trusted, and the resulting conflict between what my Mutant Power was telling me, and what society and my parents told me about them. Because it would sure explain the mixed feelings I had about them, if I was like "Mom and Dad say to trust them, but my gut tells me to stay away from them." (Not sure if it applied to all cops or not; I wasn't around many growing up.)
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
I have a friend who tells me she can't read in dreams, not really; everything is nonsense, squiggly lines, and the dream sense of Just Knowing Things translates the nonsense for her. When she told me this, I was fascinated, because when I read in dreams, it's actual words. Actual letters arranged in words, and those words are arranged intelligently. In fact, last night I was dreaming I was talking with this beautiful black woman, and she wanted my email address, and I pulled out a business-card type card, but I could plainly see it had my old Yahoo address on it, and I was writing out the new one when this creeper guy tried to hone in on our budding lesbian relationship with his creepiness.

I've even had dreams where I was reading Spanish. Mind you, that's reading Spanish about as well as I can in real life, but I remembered the sign I was reading well enough upon awaking that I recognized some of the words as actual Spanish words. Whether the sign made any sense or not, I dunno. My Just Knowing Things dream sense couldn't be arsed to translate the sign for me, so it was just like running into such a sign in real life.

Oh yeah, and I've had dreams where I'm reading things on Tumblr or LiveJournal before. Sometimes I'll remember a dream Tumblr post as a real one for a bit before I'm like, "Oh yeah, that was a dream."

But yeah, my ability to read in dreams contributes to the paranoia I get if I ever have those hyper-realistic dreams with realistic colors and details. Luckily, though, I haven't had one of those in months.
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
Text and picture reposted from this Tumblr post. It might make more sense if you read the Tumblr version, since I think this excerpt makes references to things in other peoples' comments, and I don't feel like reposting the entire thing here.

The original picture:

My part of the post:

I totally get Tedd’s shock. I became aware of the concept of transgender pretty early on, around 15 or 16, but it didn’t really fit me. I started identifying as a trans woman online more out of it being the closest I knew to what I was, but privately had no idea what to think of myself as. At least, not until I read about the term “hermaphrodite.” Well, actually, the progression went more like this: A. Read term “hermaphrodite,” started using it to describe the people of this story I’d started to write, and their religion. B. Did not apply the term to myself. C. Figured out I was trans or something like it. D. Became obsessed with that story I was writing enough that I adopted the religion I’d made for them. E. Realized only then that I was closer to “hermaphrodite” than I was to male or female, and so privately began to identify as such. F. Realized I’m Otherkin, as one of the Ah’Koi Bahnis people I was writing about, which deepened the connection to “hermaphrodite.” G. Didn’t hear the term gender-fluid til… well, it’s hard to say. Only a few years ago, I think. I think I read it on Tumblr, but I can’t be sure. I have a bad habit of hearing information relevant to me and then watching it take months or even years to process it enough that I finally think “Hey wait, that’s me!”
A whole lot more )

Representation matters!

One more note )
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
I think most people would be astonished by how fast I can type when copying something without looking back at the screen, when I don't even type the proper way, with the fingers right over the keys in the pattern they taught at school. No, instead my fingers hover about and inch from the keyboard, not even over any particular letters or laid out in any pattern, and it's like my fingers just know where to go of their own accord - they even correct mistakes as they go, like they know when they fucked up without me even looking.

I tried it just now and I did a whole pair of paragraphs in like a minute without looking, and when I looked back, I'd left maybe 2 mistakes uncorrected, one of which was a semicolon in place of an apostrophe. I can't get over how weird this is to me. When I know what to type, it's like fucking magic, like I have eyeballs in my fingers, but when I'm struggling to gather my thoughts, it's a fucking mess.
fayanora: Elle Fanning by LJ user bitemeee (Elle Fanning)
So apparently, according to a Facebook post, Massachusetts wants to make learning cursive mandatory in all schools. I disagree. Quite apart from the fact that learning handwriting at all in this day and age is learning a practically-obsolete skill, there's the fact that cursive writing is just stupid.

They tried teaching me cursive growing up. I did learn it, but gave it up as soon as I could. I haven't written cursive in over 15 years, apart from my signature. Cursive is one of those things I never understood the point of. Cursive writing has always hurt my hands far more than print writing does (and print writing hurts my hand a lot), cursive is at least 10 times slower than print writing, and cursive is practically impossible to read. I can barely read my own cursive, let alone anyone else's. Why cursive was even invented in the first place is beyond my comprehension, let alone why it was ever taught to children. What's the point of it? The only thing I use cursive for is my signature, which doesn't have to be legible.

Also a further note about its illegibility: even well-written cursive is difficult for me to read. In print writing, the letters usually look distinctive enough to easily tell them apart, but in cursive it's all just a bunch of squiggly lines. These lines all look basically the same to me; the differences are so slight that it takes me three times longer to decipher well-written cursive than it does to decipher messy print writing.

Some may say "But... history! Old letters and documents in cursive!" So? Why torture children with that nonsense? Leave deciphering old letters to historians. Let people teach themselves cursive deciphering if they want to become historians, and teach kids to do a cursive signature, but beyond that it's just a torturous, pointless waste of time.
fayanora: Steph Chloe Dartagnan (Steph Chloe Dartagnan)
Originally posted by [personal profile] kengr at socialization is important, but...
I've been working my way through an interesting person's tumblr (warning, she's goit a *lot* of NSFW content) and I ran across this entry.

The comments about "forced socialization" are *so* true. Yet somehow most teachers, parents and other adults don't seem to even *consider* the possibilty of any of this.

I expect a lot is due to this cultures overwhelming bias towards extroverts.

But it's also a symptom of the practice of adults not *listening* to kids. You can't just throw a kid in with a bunch of other kids and expect them to learn social skills by osmosis, much less make friends.

Yeah, it works often enough to be seen (via selection bias) as workable. The problem is that when it doesn't work, it usually goes pretty far into the negative. And then we blame the kid for not being able to get along or whatever. Hell, it's where a lot of bullying comes from.

Parents *really* need to stop and listen. And consider that while the kid may not be expressing himself well, that doesn't mean that he doesn't have a point. He (or she) may well know quite well that things are going wrong (and how), but just lacks the vocabulary to discuss it.

Lack of success does *not* mean lack of effort. Often it's a case of clashing personality types. Or of ignorance.

I know that I had some difficulties fitting in in the first few grades because (due to being raised by a widow) I didn't know the rules to baseball, football, etc. Didn't help that mom's husband had been a lefty, so when she gave me his old baseball glove it didn't help.

We *really* could use someone sitting down and writing out all the stuff "normal" kids *do* pick up thru osmosis and writing it down (probably as a series of "age" appropriate books) for the kids (and adults) who *don't* figure it out.

Also need something to explain to the kids who don't "work" the way "normal" kids do (and their parents and teachers) that it's not *wrong* to be different. Andd suggest coping strategies that *aren't* "fake it".

My own addition:

There weren’t many other kids in the neighborhood when I was real little, and my parents were concerned for me. They tried to socialize me by taking me to a day care center even though Dad worked from home. Well, that didn’t work, because I had absolutely zero interest in other kids. The only people I wanted to socialize with were adults, because adults were interesting. Other kids were dull and stupid compared to me, and we had nothing in common aside from our age. At best I viewed them as an obstacle or a nuisance, at worst they were bullies. Luckily, I didn’t have my first experience with a bully until kindergarten, but still, it set the stage for things to come, and made me go from passive disinterest to active avoidance. I would have been better off being homeschooled and left to socialize with adults the way I wanted to.

Also, there were infants and toddlers at the day care center, and I have always detested infants and toddlers. They’re noisy, far beyond simple annoyance, and all they do is eat and shit and get into trouble. Being autistic, I have always had issues with noise, both literal and psychic, giving me migraines and other problems, and small children put out a lot of both kinds of noise. If I ever have a kid, I am going to adopt one that is past that stage of development, because I cannot cope with that bullshit.

When I say the forced socialization didn’t work, I mean that at the day care center, I continued to pay no attention to other kids. I avoided them, playing by myself. I communicated with them only when necessity demanded it. I did not want to be there, and I’m certain that the fact I didn’t want to be there was obvious to everyone. Part of it is being autistic, and part of it is the psychic and literal noise issue; everyone puts out psychic noise, but kids especially. For me, being forced to stay at the day care center was like someone with sensitive ears being forced to spend the whole day on an airport runway, with the jets constantly taking off and landing.
fayanora: Little Girl in rain By lj user never_end (Little Girl in rain By lj user never_end)
So I just noticed another form of executive functioning problem that happens sometimes to me. I'm going to call it FORC - Failure Of Random Circuit - to tie in with the whole "spoon theory" thing.

FORC is when I start a task with plenty of spoons, go about the task with no problems, and even complete the task, but for "spoon" reasons one of the steps in the task is dropped.

Here is an example of a FORC:

Making food, getting out all the supplies I want for that food, all seems well. Then I look at one of the ingredients and decide I don't have the spoons to use that ingredient, like for instance slicing cheese sounds too bothersome, and so I put it away but proceed to use the other ingredients and finish making and eating the meal. That is an instance of a FORC.
fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
Some people, like TERFs (Trans-Exclusive Radical Feminists), try to claim that trans women have "male socialization." Well, quite apart from the fact that gender is in the brain and the brain has ready access to the ways evolution has shapes behavior in women, it's still bullshit.

Let me tell you what my childhood was like growing up. I was a timid, shy child who expressed no interest at all in other children until kindergarten. I did my own thing and played with dolls as much as with cars, played "house," and I played "teacher" because my mom was a teacher and I respected her for that, among other things. Yes, I had a strong male influence in my dad, but while he's straight and cis as they come, he never much cared for a lot of the traditional male roles; he was, I guess you could say, a cis male geek. Still is.

When I finally expressed an interest in my peers, I was rewarded for this by a bully tearing the tail off my favorite stuffed cat after school on the way home. In retrospect, he was probably feeling a confused mixture of feelings given that I have always been very androgynous; he perceived me as a boy, but some part of him recognized I was a girl, and he didn't know what to make of that. It probably didn't help, either, that I have always been able to read people like an open book; my memory of the incident is vague, but I remember seeing something in him and commenting on it. Probably trying to reassure him about some insecurity of his. So he bullied me. And my interest in my peers subsequently evaporated on the spot, at least for a while.

I ran into the same thing in the next town we moved to. Only this time, my "mutant power" (as I now call it) to read people like a book saw something different. I don't remember what I said or how this came about, but that particular bully I turned into a friend. We would later be lovers. Turns out he was gay and had the hots for me, probably misinterpreting my trans aura as an "effeminate gay guy" aura. I remember, when we did become lovers, that the idea of using my... thing... the way he used his on me felt wrong. Like, "that thing is for peeing" wrong. I mean, I knew there were other uses, as my parents were not the type to let a child of theirs go without the basic facts of life, but still, it felt wrong in a way I couldn't understand. Looking back, seeing that I enjoyed "catching," I think my reticence to "pitch" was early dysphoria. (Yes, I have dysphoria - oh gods yes I have dysphoria about so many things - but it is NOT necessary to have dysphoria in order to be trans.)

Looking back, the pattern of bullying I experienced was largely intimidation, emotional abuse, and "playing keep-away" by people who felt that they had to prove that they weren't "interested" in "the little freak," though they probably didn't understand their own motivations. The simple fact of the matter was, my very presence in school made the boys uncomfortable, because no matter how boyish I presented, I looked like a girl, and yet I identified, at the time, as a boy. And what was more, I didn't act like a boy. I was quiet, withdrawn, and gentle. While I had occasional whims to play stereotypical boy-type games, I still preferred "girl-type" activities, or activities perceived as gender neutral.

In middle school and high school, it got worse. Boys began having sexual desire for girls, and since I looked like a girl but identified as a boy, some part of them questioned their sexuality. Then some decided it was my fault for making them feel this way, and took out their anger on me.
In high school, the bullying became a strange mix of the old "to hell with the freak" stuff and sexual harassment. Which brings me to what prompted me to make this post... a post on Tumblr. Here is an excerpt:
I got catcalled and then got laughed at when I flipped them off. they pulled up beside me and I clutched my bag tighter, my hand going in for my keys and my mind going over how their noses would look if I smashed them in with my elbow.

As I read these words, I had a mild flashback to my high school career. I felt that way in high school. I had no idea, back then, that it was sexual harassment, despite knowing I was trans, I still presented male, and I thought that kind of thing only happened to people who were openly presenting as female. But looking back, I was wrong. It was sexual harassment. And every time some boy would make some snide, half-mocking comment about giving them a blow job or my liking it in the ass or whatnot, I would just get so scared I would clutch my books to my chest protectively. I was afraid they would attack me. I think a part of me subconsciously feared they would rape me. I just didn't realize any of this consciously at the time. All I knew was, I was afraid.

Just like cis women, I was this sex object. But since I presented male and had a penis, I was also an object of ridicule. A "faggot," a freak, an outsider. Gods only know what would have happened if I'd thought seriously about asking any of those boys, when we were alone in the hall sometime, if he was serious about these come-ons. Probably nothing good, as the tone was mostly malicious.

So yeah, I was getting catcalls, sexual harassment, and street harassment WHEN EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS A MALE. Not just in school, either, but for years after school, while still in the closet about being transgender. I still get a sharp jab of panic every time car horns beep a certain way, because of it.

And of course the constant stream of people stage-whispering about me, being like "Is that a boy or a girl?" Which mostly vanished the moment I started presenting as female.

So yeah, I know what women go through, and not just in a sterile, "male feminist" way. I have LIVED IT. I am given some measure of protection by my height and my girth, but I HAVE LIVED IT. I still get catcalls, street harassment, etc. every week or two at least.

I will also add here, having nowhere better in the post to put it, that growing up I knew boys were allowed to go topless, but I absolutely refused to do so even in my own home except in the safety and solitude in my room. Even years before I had the faintest suspicion of being trans, my breasts were not something I ever bared, even before I got fat.

So when TERFs and others talk about "male socialization" of trans girls and trans women, I have no fucking clue how they can think that, because all attempts by society to socialize me male slid off me like water off a duck's back. Which, given how hard society tried, is like shrugging off a flash flood. What I internalized instead was the female socialization. Because my brain knew something I didn't.

Being trans is not a choice. The only choice is in choosing to accept it or not. If male socialization had the kind of effect that TERFs seem to think it does, there would not BE any trans women.


fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective

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