fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
So now they sound like they're dismantling Shane's entire apartment, using hand tools mostly. And these ceilings and walls are very thin, so we can hear everything. I'm starting to wonder if Shane's undead corpse got up and smeared rot into every nook and cranny it could find before it was discovered. The noise is ridiculous, and keeping us awake. Our landlord, the Umbridge wannabe, didn't even warn us. She KNOWS we sleep in the daytime, but did she warn us? No, of course not. Because she doesn't like us.

At least I'm better off, because my wonky sleep schedule had me going to bed around midnight last night, so I got at least 6 hours of sleep before they started making all the noise in the world. But for the same reasons, I needed more sleep than I got.

Argh!

Dec. 22nd, 2014 04:02 am
fayanora: Steph aghast (Steph aghast)
Okay, so I had another irritating computer moment. For months and months, I've been unable to get sounds to play in Chrome, and I couldn't figure out why. Well today I stumbled on the cause of the problem, by going into the Mixer in the volume controls to try to get a loud program to be quieter, and noticed that Chrome was on mute for some reason. I thought, "No, it couldn't be that simple, could it? I mean, it was doing that in Ubuntu as well. Erm... on the same computer. When the Ubuntu runs through WUBI, a Windows program." So I tried it and yup, months of frustration for nothing. It was that fucking simple to fix the issue. >:-(

Sleep

Dec. 1st, 2014 05:31 pm
fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
My sleep schedule has been very weird lately. Recently I was getting more sleep than usual, going to bed at hours odd for me. And now I've gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep since 4 AM. IE, I fell asleep at 4 AM, woke up around 8, couldn't get back to sleep. Was up a bit, then tried again later, no go. So I stayed up that time and went to Winco to do grocery shopping.

Around 3:30 PM got home, very tired, tried to sleep again. For a while, our upstairs neighbor was being noisy again as usual. But then he quieted down and I actually got relaxed enough to where I was almost asleep... only to be startled awake by my roommate laughing like a fucking hyena in the other room. I tried going back to sleep, but she kept laughing ever minute or so, until I finally had enough and opened the door to tell her to shut up.

So I tried again, only this time I couldn't relax. My stomach was in a nervous knot I couldn't untie, for some reason. Not sure how long I tried before giving up that time. I need sleep and the universe is not letting me have any. Fuck my life.
fayanora: lil girl knife (lil girl knife)
Earlier today, I had an adventure replacing the valve elbow on my CPAP. But to properly tell the story, we must go back, back to the time I first got the CPAP.

I have sleep apnea, and so I was thrilled to get a CPAP machine at last, because its function is to help me breathe at night. (Sleep apnea is when you stop breathing in your sleep.) But when I got it, I looked at the hose with annoyance, and I was like, "This valve elbow thing is a permanent part of the hose. So if the valve fails, I'll have to replace the whole hose. Lovely. What jackass designed this piece of shit?" Because yeah, there was the hose, and this grey plastic nub thing, and then the valve elbow, made of clear plastic. And I did try to see if it maybe unscrewed or something, but no, it just swivels. So I shrugged and went on with life.

Under the cut because it is long. )
fayanora: Elle Fanning by LJ user bitemeee (Elle Fanning)
Very annoying: Wrote a chapter of Lyria novel months ago, seem to have misplaced it.

EDIT: Found it! YAY!
fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
There have been a lot of people smoking in the building lately, a building that is a non-smoking building and has been since 2010. Despite (or maybe because of) our attempts to get it to stop, because my roommate is severely allergic to it, they have only continued and now are attempting to cover it up with incense and air freshener. This despite surprise inspections and one person possibly being evicted (just a guess, we don't know for sure). It could even be the same person smoking in revenge.

The following is what I WOULD write to others in the building if I thought it would help:
Dear other residents,

This smoking in the building has got to stop immediately. The simple fact of the matter is that my roommate literally cannot breathe, she is so allergic to cigarette smoke. Covering it up with incense and/or air freshener doesn't help, it just makes things worse, as she is allergic to those things as well, and it does not actually mask the smoke anyway.

I don't understand why you are not complying with the rule. If someone had so much garbage piling up in their apartment that it made it difficult for everyone in the building to breathe, they would ousted immediately and everyone would cheer about it. But because it's cigarette smoke, you think you have some kind of right to put other people's lives in danger?

You have every right to kill yourself slowly, if you value your own life so little, but that right ends at the point where your slow suicide is killing other people that aren't even in the room with you.

Stop smoking in the building NOW. I do not wish anyone to have to be evicted, because I am a compassionate soul and care even for the trials and tribulations of people I don't like. But I have been as tolerant as I will be. Any further infractions and I will have no mercy in doing all I can to get you either to stop smoking in the building, or get you evicted. If it is a choice between the life of my friend/roommate and the convenience of people I barely know, I will choose my friend every time.

If it was just me, and I had no roommate, I wouldn't care. I can't smell worth a damn and usually I can't smell the cigarette smoke at all. But my friend cannot breathe, so I am fighting for her. But if you attempt to take your anger out on her, I WILL defend her, to whatever degree is necessary.
fayanora: Martha and Ten by mischief89 (Martha and Ten)
A week or two back, I had to take a copy of Doctor Who Season 3 or 4 (whichever one has Martha introduced in it) back to the library because the second disc was fucked up and wouldn't play. There was a distinctive pattern of damage; it looked almost like someone had taken some BB's and hammered them against the DVD. So I returned it, telling them which disc was damaged and that I needed one that wasn't damaged.

Then a few days ago, I get an email saying the new one has come in. But it went to Belmont library instead of my usual library because the librarian didn't have the new one sent to my usual library. So today I had to go all the way over there to get it, and then back to my usual library for other stuff that came in. Which would only be mildly annoying if not for one thing: on a whim, I checked the disk they gave me. It was the exact same one.

Naturally, I complained. The librarian I got this time says she took the damaged one out of circulation and will send the new one to my usual library, but I'll believe it when I see it.

AC

Aug. 2nd, 2013 07:44 pm
fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
So, adding to my already existing issues with summer, of heat and sunshine, I am sensitive to air conditioning as well. Most AC units give me headaches after a while, a bit like most earphones do. I've only been in one house I know of that didn't do this to me, and that's Lilla's parents' house.1 I don't know how they manage it, but the place is just cool enough to be comfortable without being cold enough for the AC air, and whatever is in it, to give me headaches.

That much I've known for ages. But the other day I figured something else out.

I was with Brooke, rolling the carts toward Winco grocery store, and started to feel in my stomach something like anxiety twisting my guts. I tried my usual thing, when that happens (as it does on occasion), of imagining exhaling red energy (representing negative energy) and inhaling blue, positive, energy. But I only got so far as attempting the exhale when it activated my gag reflex so hard I almost puked. Now, this has happened before, but I found myself being perplexed. Why was I feeling anxious about going into the Winco? Grocery shopping is a relaxing activity for me. I hadn't had any problems earlier, when I had gone to Trader Joe's and then Grocery Outlet earlier in the day. So why now?

I didn't immediately figure it out. But after I'd been in the Winco for about half an hour, feeling a little ill and having lost the energy to really go on, and really wanting to leave ASAP, I finally figured it out. Something in the Winco AC is different from other AC's. I wasn't getting a headache, but I *was* getting ill from it. I finally was able to remember the same thing happening at many other trips there. I remember that the only times it hadn't happened was the times I went alone. When I go alone, I am faster, getting mostly just things on my list and skipping lots of sections. But with Brooke, I follow her; and she goes systematically through every section of the store, skipping only the animal food section and the surrounding aisles most of the time. So I'm there longer, which means more time to get ill. And I realized that my body was reacting to the knowledge that we were approaching the Winco, and so giving me that anxious feeling as an attempt at a warning.

As if to verify this, I began to feel better as soon as I left the building. I was still tired, and took a nap when I got home. But I did feel better after leaving Winco.

1 = On reflection, I do remember a few other places I've managed to not get headaches at, for some reason. But for the most part, air conditioners do bad things to me.
fayanora: Hit Girl (Hit Girl)
Got up around noon today and very quickly left, without eating. This was because my stomach was still upset, had been all night long. Those Pepto pills don't frakking work. So I went to Rite Aid and got some extra strength liquid off-brand pepto (comparable to the name brand), and took some the moment I got out of the store. It took several hours for it to finally work!

After taking the pepto, I went to the library to quickly print out proof of income for food stamps, and went to the Aging and Disability Center which is only a few doors down from the clinic I go to. I went there because they'd told me all my medical and food stamps stuff was being transferred to them, since I had applied for that program which pays my Medicare premium for me, through them. But, that place's food stamps paperwork is two pages at most, and about a week ago I had gotten one of those enormous, like, 15 page applications from my old food stamps location. So I went to the Aging and Disability Center hoping it was a mistake, and that I could fill out the shorter form instead.

Well, no such luck. My stuff was all still in the process of switching over, so they couldn't let me do the shorter one this time. Next year, though, for sure. So I had to sit there for an hour or whatnot trying to bully my brain into the kind of thinking needed to fill out the long-ass fucking form.

Part of why I hate the longer form is that it's also for medical and cash for families and a bunch of other shit I don't need, but nothing is clearly labeled, so I always end up answering at least a few questions that are irrelevant to what I'm filling the form out for. And then, as with any form, there are questions I don't understand and have to ask for help on, and details I've forgotten. And I'm pretty sure these forms were originally written in Aramaic, then run through Babelfish about six times before getting to English. And even then, I think they write it in code just to confuse people.

Well, finally got all that shit done and handed in. Next stop was Ikea for a couple things. But the line #6 bus was so crammed full of people, I had to get out before I'd gotten all the way to the MAX. By then, the Pepto had worked and my stomach was like "EAT SOMETHING NOW EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO RESORT TO CANNIBALISM!" I just happened to step out in front of a Starbuck's, and I had money on my Starbuck's card, so went there. It was one of those weird ones I sometimes see, with a drive-through counter on one side and a walk-up counter on the other, outdoor seating, the only thing indoors is the employees and their work station. I ordered a ham and swiss panini and a small iced tea. Swiss is a weird cheese... it tastes absolutely disgusting when cold, like sweaty gym socks, or unclean feet. But melted, it's delicious. I don't know why that is. Anyway, yummy sandwich eaten, I walked the last four blocks to the MAX, got the Red Line right away, and was on my way to the Cascades area.

Before going to IKEA, I went to Best Buy trying to find a new cord for the Nook. Last night, I found my Nook was out of power to the point where it wouldn't do anything. But when I tried plugging it in to charge it, the light didn't come on. Waited with it like that for over 4 hours just in case, and still no change. So, I'm hoping it's just a dead cord, since it was an el cheapo cord from FredMeyer's. But they didn't have the kind of cord I needed. You know, for an electronic's store with as huge of a computer section as Best Buy has, you'd think they'd have more than two kinds of USB cords for sale. I've seen better selections of USB cords in Rite Aid! It was effing pathetic, it was.

Then, on my way to IKEA, I couldn't resist the siren call of Staple's, where I popped in and got a few things I'd been needing. Found some Rose Art brand markers for $1 a box, and got some more pens, among other things.

Then went to IKEA. Got a cheap set of food containers, and a new trash can. Oh, and some lingonberry preserves. Then I went home, prepared noms, and went over to Brooke's. She is currently napping.

Unrelated, but might as well add it here: as soon as the baby-blue nail polish I have on falls off, I'm going to redo my nails, alternating among five colors. I would have liked to have done a different color for each finger, but I don't have enough colors, and I don't want to buy more just for that.
fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
I hate sneezes to begin with, since they happen to me frequently. I think I might be allergic to dust, or something, because every now and then I'll just randomly sneeze for no apparent reason. And whenever I sneeze, it's almost always in sets of three. Oh, and suddenly moving from shade to sunlight causes me to sneeze, as well.

What's REALLY annoying, however, is when a sneeze gets mysteriously redirected away from the nose and goes out my mouth instead. Because it HURTS when that happens. And it makes me cough and gag every time, as well.
fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
So apparently my new roommate is an extrovert. I know because she just spent half an hour on MY phone (thank goodness it's free) having a conversation that a pair of introverts could have done in like 5 minutes. Literally about 90% of the conversation was the same exact words over and over again, with only slight variations. At least, the half of it I could hear was. VERY high noise to signal ratio.

Now I have literally 1 minute left on my phone, until a few days for now when it refills. I may have to charge her for that.
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
Whilst reading a story about a girl who is “differently brained,” one part of the story has her saying how she can't sing along with the national anthem, even though she wants to. It made me think about how the same is true of me. It's something I notice a lot about myself, something that bothers me every time I notice it. I find it difficult to speak when someone else is speaking, or sing when they're singing. I've been getting better about wedging myself into the cracks between turns (my odd way of saying “getting a word in edgewise”) during conversations, but I still find myself wanting to say things and not being able to get them into the conversation in time, so I end up holding onto what I want to say, looking for a place to inject the comment until we've gotten so far off that topic that either I give up, forget what I was going to say, or take advantage of a lull in the conversation to backtrack to the topic I wanted to I wanted to comment on. It's very frustrating to me. It would be less frustrating if everyone else would talk at the same speed as I do when I do talk, and spend more time on topic. But they don't. This is why I prefer non-realtime Internet conversations (IE, not instant messaging); I can comment on everything said in a thread at my own pace, and say everything I want to say.

Long. )
fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
So today, Lilla calls me at ten til 1, waking me up, telling me I have an hour to get to her parent's house so I can ride with them to Lilla's recital (which I did indeed want to go to). One hour's warning for this, and the last time she told me about it was days ago, and she didn't even know when it was.

I was, of course, irritated. First of all, she should have called me yesterday to remind me of it, tell me WHEN it was, so I could put it in my phone to be woken up in time. One hour to go from being asleep to being ready for a recital is nearly impossible, especially on a Sunday, when there's 30 minutes or more between buses. It takes more than an hour to get to Lilla's parent's house by bus on a Sunday. I would have had to forgo breakfast to get there in time, and that's not something I can do. Whenever I've tried, I've nearly passed out after an hour.

So naturally, I did not make it there by the impossible deadline. Though I did make it close enough to her place that it would have taken her mom five minutes, if that, to pick me up where I was at, and Lilla knew this because I told her so, at the time, when she called again. So, because her impatient (and, I suspect, selfish-to-the-point-of-psychopathy) mother couldn't be arsed to go maybe five minutes out of her way to pick me up, Lilla instead gave me the address and directions to where the recital was. I repeated them back to her several times to make sure I had the information right, and she said I did.

Her directions were completely worthless, however. She said the line 15 bus would take me right there, if I got off at 35th; it did not. The address she gave me was 3505 SE Tibbles or Tiddles or something like that, an address that everyone I asked (even Google Maps, later) agrees does not exist. There IS no Tibbles or Tiddles or any other T streets in that area except for Taylor, and Lilla insists that wasn't it.

She said something about a church. I found a church, asked the guy at the door (pastor, I think) if there was a recital there. There was not. So I looked up and down 35th, trying to find a 3505 at one of the streets intersecting it, and found nothing. After half an hour of fruitless searching with utterly worthless directions to a nonexistent address, I gave up and went to Starbucks, leaving messages on Lilla's parent's home machine since Lilla almost never answers her cell phone. (Why she even bothers having a cell phone, when she only answers it once out of every 40 attempts to call her, and takes at least 24 hours to respond to text messages, I have no idea.)

Then when I explained all this to her, when she called a third time, she got annoyed with me. Ha! Lilla, annoyed with ME, over something that was almost entirely her fault? It is to laugh! *Sigh* I don't know WHAT was going through her mind today. Let us review:

1. It was ridiculous for her to expect me to be awake, when the last I knew, she didn't even know what time the silly thing was, and she's lucky I got as much sleep as I did (6 hours), considering I had forgotten entirely about the silly thing, as she KNEW I would. She knows I have a memory like a steel sieve.

2. She should have reminded me the day before, so I could put it in my phone. But she didn't.

3. I'm irritated at her mother for being too impatient to go less than 5 minutes out of her way to pick me up.

4. Lilla should have known better than to be the one to give me directions anyway; this (Lilla) is the girl who gets lost going from the bathroom to the kitchen, for cryin' out loud. Lilla giving me directions anywhere is like a Saint Bernard trying to teach someone calculus.

5. Most importantly, she should have given me TWO hours to get there, not one. Especially on a Sunday!

But at this point, I'm kind of used to friends doing things despite the fact that they should know better. Brooke still hasn't learned that I don't like being touched without explicit permission, nor does she listen when I keep telling her in detail the fucked-up ways my brain works, then gets annoyed with me when she forgets to take these facts into account, which is even more annoying... she's hardly NT herself, you'd think she'd learn. Also, she KNOWS I'm hard of hearing, and keeps acting as though I can hear perfectly, getting annoyed with me when I point out that what she's said sounds like "Wah wah wah wah wuh wah" to me.

And more importantly, I have lost count of how many times I've told Brooke that MY BRAIN OFTEN CANNOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE between voices and background noise; she keeps talking at me suddenly, reading out stuff without so much as a "Hey Fay, listen to this," and by the time my brain realizes that the sound its hearing is human speech and maybe it ought to switch gears, I've already lost half of what she's said. I've only told her this about umpteen-thousand times, and she still gets irritated with me when she has to repeat things, even though it's her own damned fault for not making sure my brain is in the right gear to process speech first.

Oh, and I shouldn't even get STARTED on how many times I've explained about the times my brain is in the right gear for speech, I'm listening, I hear every word clearly, and STILL none of it makes an ounce of sense for some reason...
fayanora: by lj user holdonbaby (Elle looks up)
Last night, something happened to me that's never happened to me before: I fell out of bed while sleeping. And got a nosebleed from it.

This is weird, because I don't move around much once I fall asleep, and when I do, I can straddle the edge for hours on end without being in any danger of falling. The only time I'd ever fallen out of bed before, I was awake, and had fallen out from laughing too hard at something in a book. But that was about 15 years ago, and I wasn't hurt by that.

So here's what happened last night: I was dreaming about walking from one Iowa town to another, nude, along a highway. Nudity in dreams doesn't bother me, like it does other people, unless I'm also cold. Anyway, I was walking along this highway. I looked back and happened to see a school bus coming over the distant hill. So, thinking I'd better not let the school bus people see me, I hid behind a series of evergreen shrubs until it had passed.

Then for some reason I went across the nearby farmland instead of going back to the highway. I was headed for a road ahead that intersected the highway I'd been on. At some point on my way over there, I spontaneously was clothed again.

At the intersecting road, there was what looked like a truck stop. I went over there to try to find a way back to the side of the highway, and didn't find anything at first. So I went inside the truck stop instead. But inside, it was some kind of steel mill or something, so I didn't spend much time in there.

When I got back outside, I found what I'd been looking for, in the form of a hill by a shallow ditch (ditches by rural Iowa highways are extremely common). The hill was being turned into a garden, and there were implements still around, as though the gardener had stepped inside to get something.

I started walking down this hill, when Bugs Bunny came burrowing up through the ditch. I was suddenly Daffy Duck. This would all have been funny, except that Bugs was now carnivorous and looking at me like I was dinner. Something told me I'd somehow be safe if I made it to the highway again, so I started to run for it. But Bugs had a small army of other hungry carnivorous rabbit friends who popped out of the ground and attacked me. I fell to the ground (in the dream only) and counterattacked with garden implements I could reach, but I was losing. I suddenly got the bright idea to roll down the hill to the highway, so I did. Only... I also rolled in real life, off the bed, hitting my nose on the bedside table as I did. I had quite a nosebleed from it, but luckily for me, nosebleeds don't last very long before they stop bleeding, as long as I mop up what comes out. So less than 2 minutes after being rudely awoken by crashing into the furniture, I was alright again. Though my nose is even now a little sore.

It was only halfway through my night when this happened, though, so I went back to bed after the bleeding was definitely gone. Though this time, I moved the table farther away from the bed, and lay with my body pressed against the wall, just to be safe.

I hope nothing like that ever happens again.
fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
Robert Anton Wilson was right: rigid modeltheism sucks in anyone. I can't decide which is worse: rigid Xians or rigid atheists. Correction: rigid materialists. People who think belief in magick is a mental disorder. Fuck them. It works, I have experience that it works. They can just fuck off.
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
Reading chapter 32 of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is so frustrating, because Harry has let his emotions take so much control of him that he's in a full panic, not thinking rationally, and it's affecting how Ron and Hermione talk as well, making them word things in unhelpful ways. I keep imagining someone like one of my Zatorshnok being there and saying to Harry,
"Please calm down. You are panicking, which shuts down your rational brain, and panic is a good way to end up in a lot worse trouble.

"Now, in your blind panic you have forgotten two things: 1. That Voldemort knows about the connection between you two, and could be sending you a false vision to lure you into a trap. And 2. There is one other member of the Order of the Phoenix still in the castle: Severus Snape.

"Now see? Looking at things calmly and rationally is better. Who knows what kind of trouble you could have blundered into if you'd let your panic rule you."
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
I buy Sunbelt granola bars because they *were* the best tasting granola bars for the price, and so I could have something to eat when I wasn't feeling up to a full meal. Well, they did a stupid, lately, that I've witnessed in other brands. At first, I thought it was just a packaging change. Then I get one out of the box, at home, and notice it's smaller. I compare the new bar to an old bar, and the packaging at first looks like it's the same size. Then I notice something: the old bars were 1.5 ounces. The new ones are 1.05 ounces. Same price, smaller bars. And fewer bars in the package. ("FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!")

And like Brooke says, they keep shrinking the amount of tuna in tuna cans. She has an old recipe calling for a 7 ounce can of tuna. The usual cans of tuna are now 5 ounces. (This is why I spend extra for the 12 ounce cans.)

This kind of bullshit should either be illegal, or there should be a law telling the companies they have to make it OBVIOUS that they're putting less in the package.

Now I have to figure out what brand is best for the price, now Sunbelt has pulled this shit.

WOOHOO!

Jul. 12th, 2012 08:16 pm
fayanora: Elle Fanning by LJ user bitemeee (Elle Fanning)
For months, I've gone on thinking that my "Bamboo" Wacom tablet no longer worked, at least the pen function anyway, which is the most vital part. Then today, on a whim, I fired up Ubuntu and tried the tablet on there... and it works! Won't work on Windows 7, but works fine on Ubuntu for some reason.

Only problem now is, I can't get Ubuntu to install MyPaint. Or anything else, for that matter. Which is annoying, because MyPaint is designed to work with the Wacom tablet's pressure sensitivity doohickey.

Blarf. I'll have to have words with Wacom about why the darn thing won't work in Windows 7 anymore.
fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
I am not interested in joining any more social networks. Do not send me any more invites. I've no interest in Pinterest, 4square, WAYN, Tagged, or any other new or existing social networks. If I am going to join one, I will join one in my own time. It took me knowing about Twitter and Tumblr for several years before I finally caved in and joined, for my own reasons. This was true even when I had Internet at home, and even more true now that I no longer have Internet at home.

When you join a new site, please do not send me an invite. I am not interested, and spam in my inbox is not going to help matters. If the site you've joined harvests email addresses from your contact list, check for an option to uncheck me from the list of recipients. If there is no such option, please do not let the site have access to your contact list. I wonder how many other people have wanted to tell their friends this, and didn't?

It doesn't help that I've gotten spam on my *cell phone* several times because somebody had the email address of my cell phone (from me emailing them from my phone via text message) in their contact list, and that address got harvested by some stupid new social network they've joined.

The same goes for petition sites. I have more spam from these and other social justice things than I could ever have handled, and most of it goes in the garbage. I rarely bother looking at them, much less signing them. I share petitions on Facebook and Twitter only very rarely, and even more rarely via email. When I do share online petitions, it is usually because something in my mind has shifted and turned into a weird whim, because my usual take on online petitions is that they are utterly useless, even more useless than real-world petitions. It's not that I don't care, it's that I'm intelligent enough to know that they don't make a goddamn bit of difference.
Even things that aren't petitions, but are social justice news stuff, generally go in the trash because I've already either heard about it, or I'm overloaded and can't deal with them. Here's something to keep in mind: 99% of everything about this world and about society piss me off and fill me with rage, because it's senseless violence, hatred, and stupidity. Living here on this planet, with this human species, is some kind of Hell. Because I care too much; I care so much, and I can't turn it off, that I have two modes anymore: A) Blocking it all out. B) Straining to keep myself from going into a psychopathic rage.
Back when I was young and naive, I thought I could do something real to help this world, thought I could be an activist. I tried it, and as a result I nearly lost my sanity, and I permanently destroyed my ability to try again. The most I can do now is my fiction writing, and hope someone listens to the lessons in it.

Sorry, got a bit off track there.
fayanora: Martha and Ten by mischief89 (Martha and Ten)
(Written last night, while offline.)

I have figured out why I hate math, and why I gave up on it when I was a child. Because math has a logic all its own that is utterly foreign to anything I can make sense of. What's more, the more complex the math, the more fucked up the logic. I can't get my brain to think in the ways needed by math to think in, and it frankly boggles my mind that any human being is capable of thinking in those terms.

This rant got started when I asked Brooke the simple question of "How many zeroes are in a googol?" Now, I knew a googol was 10 to the 100th power, and that meant nothing to me, hence why I asked the question. She told me that the definition I had already told me how many zeroes were in it. Long story short, it turns out 10 to the 100th power means a 1 followed by 100 zeroes. Which makes absolutely no sense at all. Her explanation was that 10100 is the same thing as "1 followed by 100 zeroes." I don't see how this is possible; 10 has one more zero than 1 does. It would make more sense, in any sane kind of logic, to call it 1100. But apparently 1 to the zeroth power is 1 or some shit like that. I don't know... I got so confused by and pissed off at her attempted explanations, because it has become a definite pattern: I ask for a simple answer to a simple question, and she tries to act like a math teacher instead, lecturing me on how to do shit I'll never be able to do, ultimately serving only to confuse and irritate me. I can barely add, subtract, multiply, and divide easy numbers without a calculator. And every time I attempt to understand something math-related, I just end up completely confused. My brain does not work in a way that can process the bullshit twisted logic of math. I'd have better luck trying to decipher the fucked-up logic of Republicans than that of math. Whenever she tries to explain something math-related to me, it's like something is interfering with the translation. I hear the words, and each word makes sense on its own, but the words just don't translate into images or any other format I can comprehend. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a triangular hole.

So that's it. I give up, again. I am never again going to try to understand this shit. It's not worth it. I have calculators, and computers. If something happens where there are no more calculators or computers to use, it really won't matter anyway because that will mean civilization has collapsed and I'll soon be dead anyway. I've decided I was right the first time around, when as a child I decided there was no use trying to understand this math shit; I'm just not capable of understanding it. Don't even attempt to explain it, I will ignore any attempts to do so. What's more, it makes me feel stupid. I know I'm not stupid, but trying to understand this crap, and being utterly unable to do so, makes me feel stupid. Which just pisses me off faster.

And the next time I ask Brooke for a simple answer to a simple question, if she tries to pull the teacher routine on me again I'm going to respond, "Cut the crap and just give me a straight answer."

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