fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
So another problem with my brain that's possibly related to my partial face blindness is... well... if I binge-watch an anime series or other cartoon, and then try to imagine someone's face, all I can see is a cartoon. It takes up to several hours to fade, though I can make it fade faster by watching regular faces for a while.
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
It happened again today. It doesn't happen often, but it happened again today. What happened? Well, that takes some explaining. See, I'm partially face blind. Only partially. Also I have a shitty memory. What this means, for me, is that I have trouble recognizing people unless I know them well enough, and it takes me varying amounts of time to memorize faces, anywhere from a few hours (or a few instances of seeing the person, with some reason to memorize their face), to weeks or months. Once I have a face memorized, I can usually recognize them later. Not always; context plays a big role, and someone being out of their usual context can make me a lot less likely to recognize them.

Also, if I don't have any reason to memorize a face, it's not likely to happen. Since I don't really care one way or another about most of my neighbors, and never have, there's still a number of neighbors at my apartment complex who know me by name, and I have no damned clue who they are still, even after living here for a couple years, and then once before for another year. I live in concern that one of these days, someone who lives here, someone I should be able to recognize, will need let into the building because their hands are full or something, and I'll accidentally piss them off by not letting them in because I have no clue who they are. But in this neighborhood, it's not a smart idea to let in people you don't know.

Anyway, what happened today was the occasional thing of being out and about (specifically I was walking from one place to another), and someone starts talking to me like they know me, saying my name and stuff, talking about how long it's been since they've seen me, and I'm just standing there nodding and making noncommittal sounds and words, because as far as my memory was concerned, I've never seen this person before in my life. And worse, I know I was letting that confusion into my face; I didn't intend to, but that's what happened. If she noticed, she didn't give any sign of having noticed. Of course, thinking back on it, the two most likely possibilities are either that she's a member of the pagan meetup who doesn't go very often, or she recognized me from when I used to go to the Unitarian Universalist church. Although, we were on Hawthorne, so it's also highly likely she knows me via Lily, and I just forgot, because to be honest Lily knows a lot of people, introduces me to a lot of people, and I doubt I could recognize more than a handful of them.

Until that happened, my big post for the day was going to be how I thought I recognized one of my pharmacists while waiting for the bus. It was probably him; same height and build, same bald spot, same race probably, and I think it was the same face, but he was out of his usual context; if it was him, he wasn't in his uniform, and thus was out of context.

At least, I think he's Asian or part Asian, but I'm not sure. My ability to discern race is one of those things my partial face blindness messes with. About the only way I have to be sure someone is Asian, due to the similarity in skin color of many of them, is the eyes. And his eyes don't match what I know of Asian eyes, but they look different from "Caucasian" eyes, too, so I don't know.

But yeah, race is a weird thing for me. I mean, black people are kind of obvious, usually. But there's enough overlap among whites, Latinx people, and Asian people that I sometimes get those three confused; there are whites I mistake for Latinx, vice versa, and so on. And trying to determine the subcategories of races is pretty much impossible for me. Unless someone is one of those Hassidic rabbis, I pretty much have to take people's word on whether or not someone is a Jew, for instance, because most of them look either white or middle eastern to me. And I might be able to tell the difference between a Greek and other middle eastern people if I viewed some side by side, but otherwise, I can't tell. Again, if it weren't for the eyes, there's a lot of Asian people I would classify as white because their skin tone looks identical to the average "white" skin tone, to me.

Though to be perfectly honest, given my feelings toward humans in general, and the way I was lost in my own world growing up, it's pretty impressive I can discern that much. If things had gone just a little different for me, my partial face blindness might have made it so the only thing I could tell about race was three categories: Black, white, and in-between. And given that I already make a fair number of mistakes vis-a-vis race, I would be making far more in that case.

And since I don't pay a lot of attention to strangers, I'd be kind of useless if I needed to describe some stranger for the cops, if I witnessed a crime (or was the victim of one, possibly). About all I'd be able to tell them, I think, would be whether or not they were black, and their presumed gender. Like, for instance, "Well he was probably white, and probably male, but I don't know for sure on either count." "What about his height?" "Um... average, I think?" "Weight?" "Average?" "Hair color?" "No idea." "Eye color?" "To be honest, officer, I wasn't really paying attention. He just looked like a possibly-white male. But he could have been Asian or Latin for all I know." (Secretly thinking: 'Partially just playing the odds here.')

Bleh. Make this one more in a long list of things that make me feel like an alien from another planet stranded on this backwater rock with a whole species of crazy people.
fayanora: doughnut (doughnut)
I was trying to think of non-judgmental terms to describe a couple of feelings I have as a person with chronic depression, feelings that were attributed to laziness growing up because my Mom - despite having chronic depression herself even then - apparently was not aware that kids can have chronic depression, too.

Anyway, so here are the terms I came up with:

Critical power conservation: When you know your energy level is shot, or will be shot if you do a task, resulting in exhaustion, and therefore you choose to not do the thing, no matter how much you may need to. (Alternatively, "low battery alert.")

Non-critical power conservation: There's a chance doing the thing may cause exhaustion, but not a huge chance. And yet you choose to not do the thing anyway, not wanting to take the risk for whatever reason. (Alternatively, "battery at 45%" or "strategic resource allocation.")
fayanora: weirderons (weirderons)
The other day, when I was at an appointment with my shrink to have her sign a gender designation change form for the DMV, I told her about the anxiety knot in my belly I've had for years, that has been acting up the last year. So now I am on a new med, an anti-anxiety med called Buspirone. One of the side effects is dizziness, and boy am I feeling that! Even sitting down, I still feel dizzy. Not like, "gonna puke" or even "gonna fall down" levels of dizziness, but still dizziness.

Got the new med before going out today, but didn't take it til 5:15. I'm to take it 3 times a day, which works out to every 8 hours, which is going to make this one super easy to plan for. I already have all the right things in my calendar to beep at me to get me to take it, something I haven't been able to do for my anti-depressant because that one's instructions are "take one in the morning," and since I don't wake up at the same time each day, it's kind of hard to make a set time to take it.

Anyway, went to the DMV after picking up my new med, to try to renew my ID. Silly DMV changed their laws slightly, I now have to get a birth certificate copy to them again, because they didn't used to keep those on file this long. By the sound of it, though, once I get it to them, next time I renew I shouldn't need to do it again. (Unless the laws change again, of course.) But the lady at the desk said that the gender change form is in order, so the trip was not a waste.

From the DMV, I went to TriMet's office and renewed my Honored Citizen card (TriMet speak for "old people and/or disabled people discount priced fare ID"). It was pretty simple. First time I got one, I had to have them copy my SSDI award letter, but this time all I had to do was have them copy my Medicare card, which I always have on me when I go out. I also thought there'd be a $5 fee, as the form said there would be, but apparently my disability being permanent means they waive that fee. Trip to the TriMet office was a pain, though; the MAX train was being so slow, and stopping so much, that what should have been a 30 minute trip at most was just shy of an hour. Didn't risk that BS coming back; took the 12 bus back, then the 71, skipping MAX altogether.

One weird thing... because the Social Security place checks for things that could be considered weapons in a very TSA sort of way, I left my pepper spray and multi-tool knife thing at home figuring the DMV would be the same way, but it turned out to not be necessary, as there was no apparent security. Which I find to be odd; I would think that if any place was going to attract violence, it would be the DMV. Of course, I also thought I'd be waiting there an hour or more in line, but the line moved so fast I was still working on the ID renewal form when my number came up, and it's only one page! Efficient bureaucracy, whod'a thunk it?

"I dunno"

Jun. 9th, 2015 04:26 am
fayanora: Processing (Processing)
You know that feeling where someone asks you a question, and you can't think of anything to say in response? I just now realized why I get that feeling all the damn time: my sluggish cognitive tempo, possibly comorbid with something else, makes it so I get stuck in a loop of "a question has been asked, I should answer it. But what's the answer?" and can't seem to get around to actually thinking about an answer until the pressure to answer eases up.

So friends and acquaintances: if you ever ask me a question, and I say something like "I dunno," that's code for "I can't answer right now; I need time to process this, even if only for a few seconds/minutes while you look away and do something else to get the pressure off me."
fayanora: Processing (Processing)
When I'm in "the zone," where the words flow so fast my hands can barely keep up with my mind, I can type so fast that my computer sometimes has trouble keeping up. But I have some issues that prevent me from getting an accurate typing speed:

1. It only works when I'm "in the zone," which I cannot call up at random, and does not apply to anything pre-written.

2. Tests that test how fast you can type pre-written text is worse than useless to test me because by default I actually read what's on the screen, and my reading speed is ridiculously slow, because my sluggish cognition slows down the process of translating written words into spoken in my head, and then those words into images. Add to this the fact that I have issues translating words into images, and it's very frustrating. And no, I do not know how to just type the letters I see on the screen; my mind cannot contort itself that way.

TLDR = I'm great at translating my thoughts into words, but words into thoughts is fucking HARD.

3. One typing test I took a bit ago showed me that if the test is just a bunch of random words in a line, that's even worse, because my brain still tries to read it and keeps tripping up with the constant "WTF???" moments.

4. I make corrections as I type. I misspell about every third or fourth word when I'm going fast, but my corrections only take a second or less. Even with that in mind, I can get unbelievably fast, but most typing tests count not only my mistakes as mistakes, but also my corrections as mistakes.

5. Every now and then, I have random stalls. I don't mean moments where I pause to think about something (though that happens a lot too), I mean moments where my brain just... stops, goes on pause for anywhere from several seconds to several minutes, thinking of nothing at all. This can happen at any time, for any task. It's been known to cause me to have people repeat things, because my brain was just active enough in those stall moments to realize I was being spoken to, but it didn't process what was being said. These stall moments happen very rarely when I'm in "the zone," but with other forms of writing they are common.

6. I can't even use typing tests I made myself, because my brain still treats it like regular text and defaults to actually reading it, slowing down my potential typing speed.

7. Not sure, but my brain does not seem to be able to process text as anything but words, without sitting there a couple seconds or so to switch gears. Which makes math a right pain, let me tell you, but also probably explains why I can't just type the letters I see on the screen, since my brain doesn't see them as letters, but as words.

8. Needing to switch gears increases the odds of a stall, and lengthens the stall time when they do occur.

9. Sometimes my brain does this thing where it's reading the words but forgetting to process them. For however long these moments last, my brain is essentially looking at the words like they're pretty drawings, and not treating them like words, meaning I have to go back and try again.

So yeah, I have no fucking idea how I'm ever going to get an accurate top typing speed for myself.
fayanora: DMT Collective Icon (DMTC)
Last night, something happened in one of our dreams. It was a school dream, I was skipping in the halls, and one of the staff told me not to. I indicated I understood with an appropriate response, then a couple seconds later I went, "Wait, what did you say?" And the staff member (janitor, maybe?) was exasperated, asked me why I responded if I hadn't been listening. I immediately responded with something I knew on waking was honest and true: "Sometimes parts of my brain will get ahead of me, hearing, understanding, and responding to something without informing the rest of me." I didn't explain it in depth in the dream, but when I woke up, I knew it to be a Multiplicity issue. That in that particular part of the dream, Molly had processed what was said and responded, then forgot to tell the rest of us, so we were like "What's this now?" Now I'm awake, I realize this is something that happens sometimes in real life, and I think it came up in the dream because it happened several times the night before (along with several other, previously known brain glitches). Not with Molly per se, but it happened.

So yeah, if you know me in person and I ever respond to something you say and then say "Wait, what did you say?" (or something to that effect), sometimes it's because of an internal communication problem. (And other times, if the response was something as simple as "Uh huh," it's just the Autopilot responding, and we were too focused on something else to be listening.)
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
Hey guys, apparently LJ has an anti-spam program with a glitch in the code that's marking some journals as spam and putting them in Read-Only mode so you can't post anymore. Pi's and Alex's journals got hit with it. Mine doesn't seem to have been affected yet, but we'll know for sure after I post this.

Anyway, to get it fixed, go to "Account," and where it says "read only mode" (or somesuch), there's a link to fill out a form to let LJ staff know they have to fix this shit for you. I think it's under "suspension inquiry." Anyway, there's a question mark by the "read only mode" link that takes you to an FAQ about it.
fayanora: Icky (Icky)
It's the end of the month, and I am tired of soup.* I am tired of my crappy food options. Come the first, I am gonna see about expanding my options.

One way I'm doing that is finally giving in to Molly Elizabeth's requests for cereal. Now, when she wants cereal, she wants sugary, brightly colored kids cereal. And almost always I argue with her, saying things like "That's not good for us" and convince her to give up or compromise with something like frosted mini wheats. Well, I always regret doing this because cereals for adults tend to suck. Frosted Mini-Wheats suck. I thought the chocolate flavored ones would be an improvement, but I put some in my almond milk (which tastes better than regular milk, BTW) and they tasted NASTY. They're only edible when dry, and then just barely. I have had similar experiences with raisin bran and other fibery cereals.

So, this month, gonna let Molly get at least one cereal of her own choice without me arguing about it. Then I think I'll put the mini-wheats out in the place where we put free stuff for if people want it, because the thought of eating those things fills me with disgust.

* = Technically, I was tired of soup before we even started eating any this year. It was one of those things where, given how the weather was going, we knew we'd be eating a lot of soup soon, and even though our soup is delicious, it gets tiresome eating it all the damn time, so we were getting pre-emptively tired of it.


Nov. 6th, 2014 09:21 pm
fayanora: WWYDT? (WWYDT?)
Having no appetite is bad, especially when I know I need food. Having a headache at the same time, thus limiting the foods I can eat, is worse. But now on top of those, my upset stomach is actively making anything I do eat taste horrible. Whenever I am about to eat something today, my stomach has basically said "FUCK NO FUCK NO FUUUUUUCK NOOOOO!" But not in a "I'm actually sick, food would be a bad idea" way. More of an "I'm a spoiled brat turning up my nose at all foods" way.

Oh yes, and diarrhea. Damned IBS.
fayanora: moonphase anger (moonphase anger)
For the past several months - I don't know how many - I'd been wearing the same two necklaces without taking them off, ever. Which is a bit unusual for me. Then the other day, I took the pentacle necklace off for the first time in ages, and left the 8-rayed star on.

But then today, I began having an urgent need to take the second necklace off. I struggled with the tie on the cord for a while, going into a minor freakout, trying not to panic, since the thing couldn't fit over my head and wouldn't come untied. I finally had to cut it off, which annoys me but I do have more of that pink cord, and I put the cut necklace into a ziping pocket in my messenger bag so it won't get lost.

What's more annoying, the weird feeling in my throat, and the feeling in my head - both of which are probably psychosomatic, but still concerning - haven't gone away. They got better, but they're still there. I don't know if the throat weirdness will go away until I swallow something, and maybe not even then. You see, it's this feeling like I have a pill stuck in my throat. I'm fairly certain I don't, but it's just one of those things that pops up every now and then with me, spontaneous irrational fears or concerns with no real cause as far as I can tell, that stick around for a while and then vanish again.

As to the feeling in my head... it feels like the feeling I get when I have to rebraid my hair, when my arms are up in the air making blood rush into my head and thus making my head feel weird. But I'm fairly certain it's a false feeling, my brain playing tricks on me. For one thing, it's more like a step or two up from the memory of that feeling. Secondly, my arms are not in the air.

Fuck it, I hate it when the random psychic flotsam and jetsam of the inside of my brain does weird shit like this.

Then yesterday, instead of going out of the apartment to do writing, I only got out long enough to go to Winco and get a few things there. Even that much was difficult, since despite getting 8 hours of sleep, I wanted nothing more than to go back to bed and sleep more. Which is a bit concerning, because I did that a lot before I got my CPAP. I use the CPAP all the time when I sleep now, so I shouldn't be doing that anymore. Though if it only happens once in a great while, I'm not going to worry too much about it.

What IS a bit more concerning is that the last couple nights, I'll get so far along the path to sleep and suddenly feeling like I'm not getting enough air. I've been using the CPAP for at least 6 months constantly, every night, so I should not be having that problem anymore. Oh, and when it isn't the inability to breathe that wakes me up, it's something else I can't put into words that just startles me awake. I don't think it's apnea, with the pressurized air, especially since it does eventually stop happening and the rest of my waking up at night is just discomfort from my crappy bed that I really ought to replace because it's been crappy ever since I bought it, and while I got used to it for a while, my body has since decided it can't abide the thing anymore. I need especially to see if I can find a bed better suited to side-sleepers.

So yeah, my life is annoying.
fayanora: Magneto (Magneto)
Went to the doctor today cuz when I chew on my left side, my jaw under my ear hurts. Looked it up online, one possibility was an ear infection. I had tons of ear infections as a kid, even had tubes in, so I went to the doc to see if that was it. Luckily, it wasn't. She commented on the scars she could see from the previous infections, but couldn't see any current infections.

Then she tried seeing if it was the teeth, even though that's not where the pain was. My gag reflex is strong, I've known that for years; can't even hold a pencil or piece of paper in my mouth without activating the gag reflex. But today I found out just how strong it actually is. Not only was her gloved finger causing me to gag, but also my OWN finger, when I tried it, did the same thing. And the finger was nowhere near the tongue, even. But we were finally able to rule out a toothache.

So no idea what it is. Possibly TMJ, but I doubt that, because I'd be waking up with my teeth hurting. (TMJ = grinding teeth at night.) Plus, they'd be worn down, and they felt pretty bumpy to me.

I suspect it's got something to do with A) Sometimes when I yawn, I yawn so hard I get a Charley horse in my jaw. B) Lots of chewing can make the muscles of my jaw hurt from the hard work, including the muscles at my temple.

Oh gods! I've just thought... it could also have something to do with the fact I've lately been chewing in such a way that the teeth grind the food forward and backward rather than up and down, which I started to do because chewing up and down was making the jaw muscles bulge painfully sometimes. That back-forth motion could be putting unusual stress on the jaw. Damn, I'll have to stop doing that and see if it helps.
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
We did another game in the collective earlier today while waiting for the bus. Not funny like the last one, but I feel I must note it for another reason.

Lately, I've been noticing the "word go missing" effect more and more. It's when a word I use frequently just vanishes from my mind randomly. It screws up conversations, ruins the timing of jokes, and futzes with writing. Sometimes the word vanishes for just a minute or two, other times we spend as much as a half an hour beating our head in frustration trying to think of it. It's a function of our crappy memory from being bullied and then off in la-la land for most of our childhood. Sometimes it's better, sometimes worse. I think it's been worse the last few days.

Anyway, earlier I couldn't think of the word "proxy." One of the others retrieved the word for me, as sometimes happens. I was getting worried that it was getting worse, to the point where I was beginning to approach panic. So I calmed myself down by starting an in-collective game of thinking of P words. I don't remember the whole sequence, but here are highlights:

peligroso (which we couldn't remember the meaning of at the time, but is Spanish for "dangerous, risky."

Knowing all those words calmed me down greatly.

While I'm at it, the latest "bird turd" word:

Whirred spurred furred bird turd curd herds leave sherds for whirred spurred furred bird turd curd herd nerds they lured, but inferred a purred slurred word or third, I've heard.
fayanora: Memetically (Memetically)
So I've solved the problem I was having with my Wacom tablet. It was making giant splotches of "ink" on the stuff I was drawing. Well, I have had, for months, this program on my computer that automatically turns off the built-in touchpad when a mouse is plugged in. But it can also be activated manually. So since the problem was the interference between the touchpad part of the tablet, and the pen part of it, I turned off the touchpad with that program, and VOILA! Solved!

Thus, last night, I was able to almost finish my Kiishiiya drawing. I got all the skin of Her humanoid part colored, and it looks great. I just need to finish the snake part of Her. I really love the greens I've chosen for that. I even blended the top and bottom together in a cool way.

After the skin, I need to finish Her jewelry and the bony bits (spikes and a bony crown She wears). Then I'd like to do a background, but that will be annoying because the eraser wasn't working last night, so I had to use white "ink" in the "pen" instead.
fayanora: Hit Girl (Hit Girl)
The other night, I was out returning home from meeting a friend. I was not taking my usual route because it was later than I usually leave, and thus the route I took put me into a neighborhood that I consider dodgy. (Part of the place along Killingsworth.) Now in Portland, dodgy areas are mixed in with better areas like those dry lumps you sometimes get in pancake batter, so no matter how dodgy, you're always no farther than 10 blocks from a decent neighborhood, but still, late at night in an untrustworthy neighborhood I know is riddled with crime despite (or because) it crawling with more pigs than a factory pork farm, so naturally I'm on guard.

This woman (white, skinny, smoker, looked to be in her late 20's physically but her eyes said late 40's at least, comes up to the stop and asks when the bus will be there, as I was just then putting my phone down from checking. Fine, I don't mind simple queries from strangers, so I told her. Then she was like "Can I borrow your phone to make a phone call." Internally I'm derisively laughing, but externally I'm just like "No."

She offers to pay me 50 cents (oooooh, big fucking money!). I again say "No." At this point, the conversation is making me uncomfortable enough that words are getting difficult; thinking in words is getting difficult.

The woman then says "It'd be 50 cents more than you had before." Still, I said, "No." If I were more able to process words at that point, I would have explained why, but I couldn't.

She launches into some rambling thing about having had her phone stolen 17 times since Christmas, so I respond "Then you should understand better than anyone why I don't want to let you use my phone." She immediately starts backtracking by saying "Well some of them were just lost, not stolen." But this was the point where I decided to leave. I had been considering it anyway, since it would be 23 minutes til the bus came, so I just left without a word. I could hear her shouting undoubtably rude things to me, but if I was able to hear any of it, my brain was no longer processing the words, so it all sounded like Charlie Brown-esque "Wah wah wah" to me. I walked two or three stops down, a distance of maybe 10 or 15 blocks, before stopping, expecting to see her on the bus.

No, she wasn't on the bus when I got on. But she somehow had made it two more stops ahead of me, getting on there. I am certain it was the same worman; I may have partial face blindness but if my brain has reason to pay attention, it remembers faces at least for a few weeks after a single encounter. She didn't look at me, thankfully, or try to talk to me. Still, I wonder how she got so far ahead of me without me seeing her pass me. Unless she went down a side street and ran flat-out. But why?

Anyway, if I'd been able to gather my thoughts enough to be more verbal before leaving, I would have told her the following:

"First of all, lady, my general rule wherever I go is that if I don't know you, I don't trust you. Except for obvious exceptions, like employees of places, and even then it's only so far. If some random employee at Target wanted to borrow my phone, I'd still say No.

"Secondly, not only are you a stranger, you're a stranger on a dark night in a dodgy neighborhood, so even if you were offering $1000, I STILL wouldn't let you use my phone. If you had an emergency, *I* would call 911 for you. My phone stays on my person at all times except when I'm at home.

"Third, even if you were a close friend and wanted to borrow my phone, I would expect more than 50 piddling cents. Even my would-still-be-homeless-if-not-for-my-charity roommate offers more than that to make calls on my phone. But it's irrelevant because I don't trust anyone I don't know, and even less in dodgy neighborhoods, so you have about as much chance of me letting you use my phone as the moon has of spontaneously popping like a balloon and getting stuck in a tree.

"So basically, lady, if you need to make a phone call so badly, either find a payphone in the area or find one somewhere else, or find someone else gullible enough to fall for your obvious attempt at thievery. And anyway, even if I did give you my phone to use and you stole it, the joke would be on you because it's one of those free Assurance phones and is a barely-functional pile of rabbit pellets held together with yarn and faith."

*growls and shakes* Honestly, I have fucking trust issues and don't even fully trust my closest friends. I trust Amy, but when I let Amy use my phone, I hover over her waiting for it back.

Incidents like that make me wish I could fully switch to Alex without The Filter so he could sass her. I think if we could do that, there are interesting possibilities for the way the convo could have gone...

Scenarios, long. )

Seriously... this is just one example of the many reasons I don't like people I don't know trying to chat me up outside of certain contexts. Basically, if I'm out and about, and I don't know you, I don't want to talk to you at all. I will grudgingly answer simple, inoffensive queries like the time or directions somewhere or when the bus will get to the stop, but beyond that I generally want you to shut your fucking trap because unless you genuinely compliment me on something I'm wearing, especially something unusual like my cloak or my pentacle, I pretty much have no reason to think you're anything other than just another boring, annoying mundane/non-geek.

Now, IF something you say reveals to me that you are a geek, a pagan/satanist/new ager/etc, a pagan, etc-friendly person, and/or a fellow weirdo in some way, or have useful advice for me regarding things to help ease my burden of being so poor, THEN I will at least listen, and MAY even contribute. I have been known to make new friends that way. But otherwise, I will assume you are another boring Normal and passively ignore you.

And obviously in some contexts it is reasonably safe for me to assume that you are safe to speak with, like if you show up to the pagan meetup, and/or are wearing a pentacle or somesuch yourself.

Yet if your behavior towards me is annoying, like the woman above or like that one idiotic extroverted Oedipus that one time months ago, and I have nothing else to judge you by, then I will file you under either "actively ignore the annoyance" or "worthy of naught but contempt."

I have had enough experiences with horrible people in my lifetime to give everyone in the world at least one, so I don't need any more. Understandably, I am very picky about who I give my time and attention to.

Man, my life would be very different if Alex could take over at times like that, unencumbered by The Filter. And my life would have been very different if Alex had existed when I was a child, before The Filter even developed. *wistful sigh*

CPAP again

Dec. 22nd, 2013 06:38 pm
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
I am getting used to my CPAP at last, and it is adapting to me as well. Two nights in a row I got at least 5 or 6 hours sleep on the CPAP. My only problem now is that I don't turn as much in my sleep as I used to, so I keep getting woken up by pain in my side from being on it for too long. Still can't sleep on my back because the seal leaks when I do. For the time being, I am just gonna go with two sleep sessions interrupted by an hour or two of wakefulness. It's more natural anyway.
fayanora: by lj user holdonbaby (Elle looks up)
The following was written the other day:

Back in 2012, and I think also back in 2011, I had sleep studies done to see if I had sleep apnea. They were ridiculously expensive and Medicare wouldn't pay for them. I had another one around the beginning of this year, too. I finally managed, though, to get the info I needed. My sleep doctor ordered a CPAP for me back in January, and Medicare told me I had to get yet another fucking sleep study they wouldn't pay for, before they would pay for the CPAP. Which is really stupid, because I had all the information already; my blood oxygen goes down to 70% without a CPAP, when I sleep.

But my coverage has changed since then. I got on a program that pays my Medicare premium for me, letting me keep an extra $100 per month (which came right in time! I would have had to move out if it hadn't!), and at the same time I had them increase it from A to A and B.

A month or two back, it occurred to me that there might be different rules now I had better coverage, so I checked with Medicare, and sure enough, they will pay for my CPAP. The only requirement now is I have a sleep study every 7 years. (Plenty of time to either cajole them into paying for it, or saving the money to pay for it myself.) So Dr. Hagen re-ordered the CPAP for me after I explained everything that had happened, and I got a call yesterday from the place that has them. I go in on Thursday to pick it up and get shown how to use it.

I also had to go to my shrink to get refills of my anti-depressant pills. While I was there, I asked about female hormones, since I had found you could get them in pill form. She referred me to Crystal at the same clinic, whose job is to look up stuff like whether Medicare will pay for stuff or not, like she did to find out about the CPAP for me. Crystal later called me back with a number to call. I called that number, and got instructions on how to begin. In order to see the people who are apparently the only people in Portland for hormone stuff (at least who take Medicare), I will have to change my Medicare to “Med Advantage” and my Medicaid (which I had not known I had at all) to “Family Plan,” before I could even come in to see them. Which, she said, would not entail any premium increases.

When I told Brooke about possibly getting on hormones, one of the things she said was to think about if I wanted to change my legal name. Which, I admit, has been a tricky issue for me for a long time. I started going by a shortened form of my Traipahni name (Fay from Fayanora Ahnabahn Tahlahmorgk) almost 15 years ago because no human names really clicked for me, not even the name I would have had if I had been born a genetic girl (Cassandra). For a while, I have wondered whether I would stick with my given name, or go with some form of my Traipahni name. I even considered “Fay-Anne Aura Arts.” I know I want to keep my last name; it is uncommon and it suits me, as I am an artist. I've never had an issue with my last name. My first name, yes, but not my surname. My only issue with going with something like “Fay-Anne” is becoming F. Arts rather than my current T. Arts.

I was thinking about it today, while signing a check, and had the sudden thought of “maybe I should keep my current initials at least.” Which led almost at once to another possibility: Tempest Alexandria Arts. (Inspired by Meriel Tempest, the name of Lyria's daughter.) The name instantly struck a chord that no other human name has before. So now I'm wondering, if I were to change my legal name (which I would like to do), if I should go with that. The only issue is, all my friends know me as Fay, even offline ones. So I've been thinking about things like Tempest Alexandria Fay Arts, Tempest Alexandria Fay-Anne Arts and the like.

But there's another possibility: I could change my legal name to Tempest Alexandria Arts and be known by two names, one human name and one shortened version of my Traipahni name (like I already am); be known both as Tempest and as Fay. (But never as “Tempy”; I associate that with Temperance Brennan of the TV show “Bones.”) This makes a lot of sense to me, since on Traipah the Ah'Koi Bahnis, at least in some cultures, tend to give their kids “nest names,” those kids later choosing an adult name for themselves, but still probably being known by friends and relatives by both names. Of course, with a cool name like Tempest, I wouldn't mind being called by either name.

But yeah, I really like Tempest as a name. It reflects the chaotic side of me, the powerful and wild Shao'Kehn side of me. And at the same time, keeping a feminized version of my given middle name honors my dad's choice of names for me, and the history behind it. (But I could never do the same for my first name; I dislike all versions of it, for myself.) Ha! And really, changing it from Alexander to Alexandria gives it a different historical meaning as well, referencing the Library at Alexandria. (No jokes from the peanut gallery!)

Okay, I've thought about it. Unless I think of something better, I really really like Tempest Alexandria Arts as a new legal name.

~ ~ ~

I went to Norco and got my CPAP today! My appointment was at 3. I got there at 2:30, the guy wasn't ready til about 10 or 15 minutes after 3, and it was almost 4:30 when we finished. It's a lot smaller than I thought it would be. The machine, the mask, the tube, the power supply, and a couple other things fit in a bag like a smallish camera bag.

The thing almost seems to read my mind. With the CPAP at the sleep study, I kept struggling because the thing would blow air in at a constant rate, which made it difficult for me to breathe; I kept having brief panic attacks and having to rip off the mask to breathe right. But this one is awesome! This one pumps more air in when I inhale. There's air going in all the time, just more when I need it. And it's so LIGHT! I barely felt it. I almost fell asleep in the chair while using it there, even though there was no water in the humidifier.
fayanora: Martha and Ten by mischief89 (Martha and Ten)
*sigh* There are a lot of weird things about my body. Like, caffeine is not a stimulant for me. Up to a certain point, it relaxes me. Past that point, I get the friggin jitters. It's a symptom of ADD, but I don't think I have that. I think I might have SCT, which stands for Sluggish Cognitive Tempo; many mental conditions only sound like me a little bit, but SCT sounds exactly like me (except that my Asperger's gives me hyper-focus ability at times). I'm going to have to ask my shrink about it. Which means getting an appointment made.

Also, I run hotter than most people. The other day, Amy was so cold she was wrapped in blankets and I thought it was just a wee bit past comfortably warm; 70 F is the beginning of truly uncomfortable for me.

Oh, and you know that whole thing about "take a cold shower" to get rid of horniness? Doesn't work with me. I take room temperature showers or cooler, and the colder the water, the hornier I get. (To a point.)

Also, the hotter it gets, the slower and duller I get, like a Discworld yeti. And likewise, the colder it is, the more alert I am, and the sharper my mind. (To a point.) Kind of weird, I guess, for the avatar of a fire Goddess. Ah well, Chaos Fire isn't like regular fire. It only *looks* like fire; it doesn't put out any heat. Chaos Fire is living energy that eats practically any form of matter or energy it can find, but prefers Creation Onyx. Anyway...

Cold only bothers me when I sleep. I need it to be 65 F at night to be comfy; any colder and I start dreaming about looking for sweaters, etc to keep warm. Only thing is, if it's hotter than 60, I can't easily get to sleep. (In summer, I have to sleep either naked or in undies, and have the fan on high. Even then, it's difficult.
I wish there was a way for the thermostat to start at 60 and go up to 65 once I fall asleep.
fayanora: Elle Fanning by LJ user bitemeee (Elle Fanning)
I've always preferred to go about barefoot if I can, even playing outside barefoot whenever feasable, in my younger days. (Stopped for a long time after stepping on a nail once when we lived in the country.) But I never had a problem with socks and shoes most of the time; though one good thing about summer is that I get to wear flip-flops, which is a lot like being barefoot. Djao'Kain, on the other hand, dislikes anything on Her feet so strongly that any attempt of mine to imagine Her in shoes or socks fails. Like, it's one of the few things I can't imagine at all.

Lately, I think I've been shifting these past few weeks toward Djao-Kain's perspective on barefootedness. I've been getting stronger and stronger urges to go barefoot and sometimes even going about with my legs exposed. I used to sometimes forget to take off my shoes and socks when I got home, but I don't anymore; it's all I can do to keep them on when I'm outside the apartment. If all I'm doing is laundry or checking the mail, I go out barefoot. And the other day when coming back from Brooke's, it was raining, and I walked halfway home barefoot before the texture of the sidewalk became too much to tolerate. I seriously think that if my feet were calloused enough to ignore rough sidewalk textures, and even to barely notice gravel, that I would just stop wearing shoes altogether (except keep a pair with me to go into buildings like restaurants). A part of me is like "That's insane, inside the city!" But it's how I feel anyway. Yet so far, I'm resisting; my feet aren't ready for that yet anyway, and I don't know how smart it is to go barefoot in a city where Goddess only knows what kinds of dangerous stuff is on the sidewalks and roads.

Also, having to resist the urge to wear short skirts in the winter cold. If I only did it like 10 or 15 minutes at a time, I'd be fine, but longer than that would make me too cold. (It doesn't help that coldness makes me horny.)

Rather long )


fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
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