fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
On a more positive note, Molly wants to buy a shit-ton of self-adhesive googly eyes in various sizes and go around town sticking them in funny places. :D
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
“The Many Faces of Har—er, Adira Potter: Chapter 32”
By = Fayanora

Chapter 32 of The Many Faces of Harry Potter is now published!

Chapter title: Christmas and New Year's

Chapter blurb: Christmas time at Sirius's house, with Zoey and Lupin! Then it's back to school, for even more hijinks!

Archive Of Our Own version

FanFiction dot net version

Big Closet version

Start at Chapter One: "Feeling Sic" = AO3, FF.net, BC
fayanora: Steph Chloe Dartagnan (Steph Chloe Dartagnan)
Chapter 30 of The Many Faces of Har---er, Adira Potter is published!

Chapter Summary: The Yule Ball is announced, and the collective prepares for it.

Archive Of Our Own version

FanFiction dot net version

Big Closet version

Start at Chapter One: "Feeling Sic" = AO3, FF.net, BC
fayanora: Hermione not amused (Hermione not amused)
Went to bed at four am, got up at six because I couldn't get to sleep from hunger, and in the space of that two hours, the living room became overrun by scores of baby spiders! Now I don't mind spiders usually, as long as they stay away from me and preferably out of sight, but tiny crawling things like baby spiders or ants make me itchy and nervous. Part of my brain knew they were spiders, but another part of my mind was going "ticks! Or something worse!"

Once Brooke got me calmed down (I knew she was awake so I pleaded with her for help), I tried collecting them with a flyswatter to freedom outside, but only got a few, so I vacuumed up the rest I could find. I'm going to be watching that room very carefully for a day or so now.

Amusing to note that Molly was the calmest of us during this debacle. She was occasionally making the panic wane and then moving in for a closer look, fascinated. She didn't like them being there all over our clothes and computer chair etc either, but she was the main proponent for not hurting them. But when it became clear we couldn't shoo them away, she gave in. At least a few of them got put outside, though.

But oh jeez, in two hours they went from nowhere to be seen over to all over everything!

I really wish bugs and spiders would stay outside where they belong, I've had all I can stand of them. First ants, then fruit flies, then - and still - pantry moths (thank goodness for glue traps and pheromones!), then ants again (but only scouts so far I think), and then of course the spiders.

I wonder if I could keep a bunch of frogs for pets.
fayanora: SK avatar (SK avatar)
Had a dream last night wherein Pi made an appearance. I can count on one or two hands the number of times one of the others has been in a dream with me. Alex and Lo have been in at least a couple dreams. I think Molly was in a couple as well. Now this one.

It wasn't a lot. Was dreaming that I was living with my parents again, and asleep in my bed at the house we lived in in the dream (never the same house twice in these dreams), and felt a presence watching me sleeping, in the dream. (IE, it was part of the dream and not more than that.) "Woke up" in the dream and tried to look in the direction of the presence, but eyes were gummed shut. That's when Pi took over the dream body and crawled out of bed sniffing the area for the presence. But the presence wasn't making any smells. Finally got our eyes open in the dream and there was nothing there. Then the dream wandered off into something else and I forget the rest.

The presence was harmless, by the way. Not menacing. We were just like "We can feel you looking at us. Why are you looking at us? It's annoying."
fayanora: Steph Chloe Flapper (Steph Chloe Flapper)
A quote from a conversation about Alastair from Many Faces of Harry Potter, and our own Alex, that I felt bore repeating here:

"Our Alex is a sarcastic, bitter, angry, occasionally mean and nasty son of a bitch, but he's OUR sarcastic, bitter, angry, occasionally mean and nasty son of a bitch. He fits well the "system protector" role, and Alastair is similar."

LOL though in the next bit, I went on to say, essentially, that Alastair is like a tiny adorable puppy compared to the giant Cerberus that is Alex. Which is a hilarious thing to say about Alex, given he doesn't like dogs.

EDITING to add:

"LOL, I think I'm actually failing at what I planned with Alastair. I wanted to show that sometimes one of the other people in a multiple system can be extremely difficult to live with, be someone you wouldn't associate with normally, but still be family. But Alastair is not doing that. Sure, Alastair can be rude and inappropriate, but honestly, I think if I were making Alastair properly like Alex, that I'd be getting all kinds of messages of hate about him, because honestly Alex may be a feminist, genderqueer himself, staunchly against racism and constantly reblogging social justice stuff from black Tumblr users, against guns, and in favor of youth rights like a lowered voting age and rights of children to privacy and property (with parents prosecuted for theft and privacy violations), and other cool things, but for all that he's still hard to live with. He is infuriating. I pretty much covered it with bitter, occasionally mean, and so on above, but I could write a book about how difficult he is. Instead, Alastair is more like Sirius than Alex. By starting to make Al paranoid in newer chapters, I'm trying to edge him closer to being like Alex. I'll start with that, then try to work in other things like Alex's pessimism (which ties in well with paranoia), and his need to be right at any cost (it IS actually possible to get Alex to change a deeply entrenched belief, but it's a long, drawn out, and painful process and we haven't figured out how to replicate it).

"*Sigh* Yes, describing Alex to people who don't know him personally is very difficult indeed. Because if one is too good at explaining the bad bits of his personality, they overshadow the good parts, and honestly the trick to Alex is that the good and the bad kind of balance out... the same way having two Bruce Banners playing tug-of-war and randomly becoming The Hulk at different times balances out."
fayanora: Steph Chloe Dartagnan (Steph Chloe Dartagnan)
OMG everyone, check out this site! Put in some text you've typed, and it analyzes your writing and tells you stuff about your personality! It was pretty accurate, the parts I could understand. It thinks I'm more open than I am, probably because I am more open on the Internet than in person. And I do volunteer, even though it thinks that unlikely for me.

My results, with commentary (in parentheses):

You are unconventional, (yeah, totally) somewhat inconsiderate and skeptical. (That bit must be Alex.)
You are independent: you have a strong desire to have time to yourself. (Amen!) You are reserved: you are a private person and don't let many people in. (Aye) And you are authority-challenging: you prefer to challenge authority and traditional values to help bring about positive changes. (So true!)
Your choices are driven by a desire for discovery. (Yeah, sounds right.)
You are relatively unconcerned with both tradition and achieving success. (Yeah.) You care more about making your own path than following what others have done. (Amen to that!) And you make decisions with little regard for how they show off your talents. (I guess so.)

You are likely to______
prefer resale value when buying automobiles (LOL! When I had cars I drove them til they wore all the way out, resale value is the last thing on my mind.)
volunteer to learn about social causes (Got me there.)
prefer style when buying clothes (My own, but yeah.)

You are unlikely to______
prefer safety when buying automobiles (WTF? No, that's wrong.)
have spent time volunteering (I totally do.)
be influenced by social media during product purchases (Depends on the social media, the people, and the product. But essentially right.)

More under the cut )

Some highlights from Alex's, that we did for comparison: "You are a bit indirect, somewhat inconsiderate and can be perceived as insensitive." LOL yeah. "You are solemn: you are generally serious and do not joke much." Mostly accurate. His humor tends to be insults, sarcasm, or puns. Sometimes all three at once.

Let's see... Alex is apparently less susceptible to stress, at 81%. (???) Also less self conscious (87%) and less prone to worry. (81%) Also, he got a higher percentage for "taking pleasure in life," at 29%.

I don't really trust the results for "Fiery," because it gave a calm, thoughtful entry by Fay a 76%, gave one of Alex's rants a 64%, and another, angrier Alex rant a 43%.

I want to finish by reminding everyone that with our form of multiplicity, these kinds of tests are bound to mess up. Internal stuff fluctuates so often and so randomly that there's no telling for sure who's thinking what when, and how those thoughts will influence behavior. So that the fact this test is even this accurate with us is a minor miracle.
fayanora: Steph book (Steph book)
Chapter 23 of "Many Faces of Har--er, Adira Potter" is out!

Chapter blurb: Al makes a new friend, despite becoming a little paranoid after the Quidditch match. Or will this boy be more than a friend? School starts, and Al smells danger looming in their future. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

FF.net version

AO3 version

Big Closet version
fayanora: Steph book (Steph book)
The Many Faces of Harry Potter, Chapter 22 is published!

Chapter summary: The Potter collective are having odd dreams, and at least one of them is a vision of Voldemort, who has a mysterious ally and is getting stronger. Then Death Eaters attack the Quidditch World Cup. Coincidence? Maybe. But the Potters don't trust coincidences.

ArchiveOfOurOwn version

FanFiction.net version

BigCloset version

Poor Alex

Nov. 7th, 2016 11:58 pm
fayanora: Steph bouncy (Steph bouncy)
Poor Alex going spare this election. He went away for some quiet time, poor lad.
fayanora: DMT Collective Icon (DMTC)
Sometimes I think about things that happened days or even weeks ago. Last night I was thinking about something [personal profile] kengr asked once, maybe a week or two back. I don't remember the exact wording, but she basically asked how I manage to function with queunliskanphobia, IE fear (or rather extreme disgust/revulsion, in our case) of saliva. My answer at the time was something that amounted to "compartmentalization." I think specifically it was "I try to imagine it just doesn't exist," or near enough. But I was thinking again about this last night because I'd had my finger in my mouth and looked at the spit on my finger and didn't have a problem with it before wiping it off.

This isn't the only time something that usually bothers us hasn't bothered us. Like, the thought of blood can quickly make me feel weak and shaky and have to lie down for a while. But when I get a cut, the blood doesn't usually bother me. It's like, a cut happens and the practical part of our brain is like "Well this has to be dealt with." But there's more to it than that, even, because Pi ([personal profile] svaenohr) is aroused by blood, thinks about consuming it sometimes when zee1, er... you know... *waves hand dismissively.* (Zee was going to call it by the phillia name for it, but then we realized the word hemophilia is used for a disease, a somewhat misnamed disease at that. Pretty sure hemophiliacs don't like blood, unless it's staying put in their body. I would think hemophobia would be a better word for it. But that's a different disease.) When zee does this, the rest of us have to shut down and wait for zeer signal to return. We have to do this with quite a number of Pi's fetishes, to be honest.

Anyway, so several things came together in my mind last night, including what I'd mentioned above, and basically... the different people in our collective have different likes, dislikes, phobias, philias, etc. Which is something we never really realized the full implications of. But yeah, this means queunliskanphobia is Alex's problem; dunno who else in here has it, but at least one of us does not have that problem. Or, at least, not to the same degree. Just thinking about... the thing... can set off Alex's phobia. And it's impossible to predict when his influence is going to wane enough from the system to make it alright. So yeah, we try not to think about it.

So pretty much all of us have a revulsion response to blood, not sure what to call it now that they've stolen the only term I could think of for another disease (and I was astonished at all the various blood diseases that put philia on the end of the word, in the short time I dared try to find a word to replace hemophobia. Did the people naming those not know what the word "philia" means? And honestly, I wouldn't call what Pi has hemomania, either. It's not a mania, it's just a kink of zeers, one of many. A kink that the rest of us would rather forget about... along with most of zeer other kinks. If you're curious, you can pop over to zeer LJ/DW and look it up. Thankfully it is all in zeer mind only. Most of zeer kinks are pretty much impossible anyway, and zee knows better than to try the others. Pretty sure if zee tried the blood thing, even with someone known to be disease free, the rest of us would freak out and vomit and probably curl into a ball in the corner and cry.

But yeah, there's others. Alex and some of the others have cynophobia as well, a distrust of and fear of dogs. (Not sure who else, aside from Alex and Pi.) But Molly's reaction to dogs is "Puppy!"

That's all we can think of for now. But there may be others. It's hot right now, and we were tired anyway, so thinking is not a strong suit at the moment.

1 = "Zee" is our spelling of the genderless "ze" or "xe," to make the pronunciation more obvious. We also change "zer" and "xer" to "zeer." These are Pi's preferred pronouns, as zee identifies as agender (without gender).
fayanora: Steph Chloe Cake (Steph Chloe Cake)
Something else that happened at the SMART reading thing, but last Wednesday rather than the one before it, was Molly's internal commentary when I was reading "Curious George." She was saying things like "The Man in the Yellow Hat isn't really George's friend! He stole him from his home and stuck him in a zoo! Which would be okay if he was endangered and orphaned or something, but not a word on that! And wasn't this written in like the 40's?" And other stuff of a similar nature. It was amusing, but a little distracting. Especially since the second kid I read to, not having been there to see I'd read it once already, also wanted that one read. :-)
fayanora: DMT Collective Icon (DMTC)
Over on FanFiction.net, someone sent this "review" of The Many Faces of Harry Potter:

"This story has an interesting idea, but you're completely glossing over the details of the transformation and having everyone treat it as perfectly normal. I can't imagine multiple personalities (not to mention multiple BODIES) are a common occurrence, nor a healthy one."

Which prompted this response, which I feel is amazing and needs repeating:

Multiple personalities are more common than you think, and can be healthy. Have you not been reading the notes wherein I explain my own collective is using our own experiences to inform this fic? Sure, the transformation bit is fantastic, but it's a fantasy story. The rest of my portrayal of the Potter collective is true to my own personal experiences.

We specifically started this fic to counter some of the nonsense that is spread about multiplicity. MPD/DID is not the only form of multiplicity, nor is it usually as extreme as the stereotypes. Multiplicity is a spectrum, between singlet and DID with a whole boatload of flavors in between.

There is a huge online multiplicity community. We are more common than you think, because most of us hide what we are. Most collectives can communicate internally and mimic being a singlet. And from what I've read of the experiences of collectives with the more extreme forms of DID, singlets tend to not notice multiples even when they live in the same house as one for decades.

As for healthiness, I can attest that I wouldn't be alive if not for the actions of at least one of the others (who stopped me attempting suicide), and we all cooperate to a high degree. I doubt I would have gotten as far in life as I have without them. In fact, before the others started showing up, I was a non-functioning mess. I was so lost in my own inner world I barely passed enough classes to keep progressing through school, despite being very intelligent. The others helped pull me out of that lost state and have helped me over the years to function. I would not be able to function without them, their strengths counter my weaknesses and vice versa. I'm timid and submissive, Alex is assertive and dominant; I would not be able to be anything but a doormat without Alex around to help me stand up for myself. He also grounds me in this reality when I'm tempted to float away again, by being so very realistic and skeptical.

I don't know what I'd do without Djao-Kehn's advice, She is always there for me when I need advice, and She's the one that stopped me attempting suicide. She cheers me when I need cheering, challenges me to be more assertive and to not let life pass me by, comforts me when I need comforting, calls me on my bullshit if Alex doesn't get there first (or if I don't listen to him). She loved me when I hated myself, and helped me learn to love myself again. I wouldn't have gotten through high school without Djao-Kain.

Pi does for me similar things to Alex, but more calmly and rationally, for when Alex's energy gets to be too toxic for me.

Molly reminds me not to take everything too seriously, and to relax and just enjoy life. She's also the only one who can coax me into crying when I need a good cry.

Fayanora Ahnabahn is the parts of me I want to be IRL, not just online; compassionate and kind and calm and helpful, without being invisible, without being a doormat.

Negarahn helped me find Pi, and helped me realize that my body was starving on a vegan diet, that I needed to go back to eating meat.

And for a time, Ian was the only one of us who could feel romantic love. On antidepressants, that's different, we all have that again. But at our worst, Ian protected that for us, kept it alive. He was a light in the dark, for that. (Don't know where he is anymore, but I suspect he'll be back if he's needed.)

I didn't have these parts of my personality before. They did not result from me being broken into pieces, they arose in order to help me live and be functional in the world. Without them, I would doubtless be in some mental institution somewhere, still lost in my own fantasy world, barely able to feed and clothe myself, much less anything else.

But as aggravating as your comment was, I'm glad you made it. Now we know to focus on the positive aspects more, the cooperation more. So thank you.
fayanora: Elle tongue (Elle tongue)
The Many Faces of Harry Potter, Chapter 14 has been released!

Fic blurb: Harry Potter is a wizard, which surprises him. But Harry Potter is also a Multiple, which surprises everyone.

Chapter blurb: Run-ins with Malfoy and Snape, detentions, and a boggart.

Archive of Our Own version.

FanFiction.net version.

BigCloset version.
fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
Chapter 13 of The Many Faces of Harry Potter is up!

Series blurb: Harry Potter is a wizard, which surprises him. But Harry Potter is also a Multiple, which surprises everyone.

Chapter blurb: The Potter Collective goes to Egypt with the Weasleys, where they see something they never thought they'd see again, that shows them something disturbing. Also, the school train back is boarded by dementors, which wrecks havoc in the Collective.

Archive of Our Own


fayanora: Steph bouncy (Steph bouncy)
Chapter 12 of The Many Faces of Harry Potter is up! "Harry Potter is a wizard, which surprises him. But Harry Potter is also a Multiple, which surprises everyone."

It can be accessed at these three locations:

Archive of Our Own


fayanora: DMT Collective Icon (DMTC)
I can't do normal meditation, my mind is too active. What’s more, when we tried doing this guided meditation thing once, they tried getting us to focus on the stream of background thoughts that tend to get generated by the subconcsious and tend to repeat old bullshit we've internalized, only I couldn't do that because the inside of our collective's brain doesn't look like that. We're a collective mind, and where that stream from the subconscious should be is the place we talk to one another internally. It's like, in singlets that's where all the different parts of the singlet mind think by saying everything they're thinking without hesitation, and whatever part of the singlet mind filters those thoughts and decides their order of importance and which ones to act on (I'm gonna call it the vinculum, a term lifted from the Borg of Star Trek), the vinculum of singlets is the eye looking inward at all those disparate voices, and the exercise was intended to help the vinculum focus on different voices, tune out the ones that are harmful.

Only, we can't do that because each one of us in the collective has our own set of voices, our own vinculums, and while we can hear each other when we talk internally, and can send each other images and impressions, and we can feel one another's emotions, it's not the same thing as reading one another's thoughts (mainly because there's a degree of self control to it, IE they can choose whether or not to do it, usually; though sometimes we blur into one another and choice becomes irrelevant during those times). And nobody in the collective seems able to turn their inner eye on their own internal thought processes.

Also, we got the impression that in meditation it's supposed to be possible to access the subconscious mind? I don't know if that's true for singlets or not, but when we turn our inner eyes inward, the subconscious is this locked basement door. It only opens to let stuff either come out, or under unusual conditions it can let one or more members of the collective retreat down there. But when they come back, they don't remember anything that happened down there. I'd say it's like they just shut off, but one time Alex went down there extremely upset and came back having worked through his upset, but couldn't remember having done so, so it's plain they keep thinking and feeling down there, but don't remember anything about it when they come back.

So yeah, I don't really count that as access to the subconcious mind.

Though the Others *do* bear a small resemblance to how I picture the inside of a singlet's mind, in that while they *can* think without talking internally, they don't appear to do it very often. They tend to normally just either say whatever's on their mind, or just shut up and listen. Though I *can* sense when they're thinking but not talking, since their emotions shift around as their thoughts shift. Another similarity is that they seem to be either incapable of or unwilling to lie to me or each other. (Lying to themselves, now that's another matter altogether, and Alex appears to do that a lot.)

And then whenever I try meditation, one or more of the Others invariably gets bored and starts off thinking (speaking internally) about various things, much like a wandering mind. But everything Internally is more or less the same volume, and none of it can really be tuned out. If one or more of them decides to be obnoxious (usually either Alex or Molly), then there isn't much I can do about it beyond tell them to shut up, or try to ignore them.

So instead of normal meditation, I have to make my mind focus on doing something repetitive, like chanting or singing. This fills the collective internal space with noise and makes it so that none of us can think of anything but the noise. (This method also works to block out empathic noise from outside of us, if nothing else is working.) And that, in as succinct a nutshell as I can manage, is how we in the Djao'Mor'Terra Collective do meditation.

Fun game

Jul. 26th, 2015 07:03 pm
fayanora: Group Intellect (Group Intellect)
Fun game: Describe the people in your collective in 7 words or less.

Alex: Sarcastic asshole with a heart of gold.

Molly: Strange little girl, mischievous and horny.

Fayanora: The Sapphire to Alex's Ruby.

Tempest: Fayanora's conjoined twin.

Lo: Lesbian goth girl on hiatus.

Ian: Shy little boy, rarely seen.

Negarahn: Possibly just an old Mask of Pi's.

Pi: Friendly neighborhood agender shape-shifting monster.

Shao'Kehn: Live-in shrink/lover.
fayanora: Steph Oh You (Steph Oh You)
One of the cool things about being a multiple is that you always have the benefit of that old "two heads are better than one" thing. Case in point:

Problem: People smoking at bus stops

Problem behind the problem: Alex can't past The Filter to tell them off, or they don't listen.

Solution proposer: Molly Elizabeth (7, blonde)

Proposed solution: Take out this noise-maker tube we got at OMSI years ago, keep playing with it nonstop, driving the smoker people crazy. When they yell to stop that, calmly say "If you put out your cigarette, I will stop making this noise." If need be, clarify "If you keep smoking around me, I will keep making the noise."

We have yet to test the idea, but it sounds pretty cool. Only potential problem we know of is it's a known addictive stim, we might not be able to stop.


fayanora: SK avatar (Default)
The Djao'Mor'Terra Collective

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